Alistair- [ Brandy. He needs brandy for this and he has none- there's a slide of fabric on stone as he settles in the hall, sitting with his back to the door. ] I did not mean it. Any of it. I was tired and angry and lost and you kept looking at me as though if you simply tried hard enough it would fix me that isn't- it is not how this works. I do not know how it works but I have to be the one to do the fixing.
[ Fine, a change of subject. ]
Well. She misses you. I think she is trying to seduce you.
I know. [ Or: he doesn't really 100% know, or didn't know, or else he would have cut it out. ] I'm sorry. I don't know how to see you hurt like that and not try to do something, but I know I wasn't helping. This is good, I think. [ The distance. ] And I can comfort myself with the fact you needed six bedmates to replace me.
[ And he makes a strangled noise that's a little bit like a laugh. ]
Maker's breath. She's twelve. [ Or something. ] You can tell her I miss her, too, but only if you make it sound very avuncular and appropriate.
And I should not have said what I said. About Jonas, about Duncan- about any of them. [ Especially Loghain and Anora. That was low even for him. ] I- Mi dispiace, Amico.
[ He manages another soft laugh- strained. ]
Six and a half- we must not forget Doghren. And- She is sixteen, I think. Again, Crows do not keep track but to the best we can tell? Sixteen. I believe she is under the assumption that bedding you would cement her place in Skyhold as you are dear to me and they all know I will not bed them for anything. They have tried. It has been....an interesting week.
I suppose the part about Duncan was a bit out of line. [ Wryly--but he's cracking, sounding a little bit less like he's doing the aural equivalent of holding Zevran at arms length with his arms braced. ] It's all right, Zevran. It's nothing you need to worry about.
They've tried--they're all twelve. [ But that's sad. ] They can't think we carried them all the way from Antiva just to turn them out in the cold.
It was all out of line, Alistair. I am apologizing- you needn't forgive me and you needn't accept it, but do not borrow wounds that are not yours to carry. [ In fact he's fairly certain he won't be forgiven for-
Well.
Ever. He'd attacked like a Crow to cut a man down. What does it matter if he feels poorly for having done his job so well? ]
No, they think they were brought here to die. Throwing themselves upon your mercy seems the wisest course. I should know, I did much the same.
It would be more honest than the 'it's fine, Zevran, don't worry Zevran'. I know where I stand with you. I always have. This ambiguity- I do not care for it.
[ Alistair chose a wonderful time to indulge in tact. ]
No. That would be the same as killing them, and I would like to think I've learned something of Mercy.
It is fine, and I don't want you to worry about it. [ Is it still tact if he sounds a little irritated? But only a little. ] Look, Zevran. [ A pause, then, deliberately: ] Zev. You didn't really say anything I haven't heard before. Or said before. I know what I am. The only new part is that it was you saying it and—laying it out so well. But I understand why you did. I can be hurt [ and wary :c ] and forgive you at the same time. I'm pretty big, you know. There's room for two feelings at once in here.
[ He's flicking his own chest. It's probably not audible. ]
As long as you're not giving me up for someone better. I know Doghren is the full package, but...
I was offered a truly obscene amount of money and status to remain as a court assassin. I declined. [ For so, so many reasons. ] There is no one I would give you up for, Alistair. Not a one.
[ In all his years and all the world, every bed he's shared and every laugh, every death, every tangled, knotted thing that sat between him and those he does continue to keep in touch with- nothing compares to the ease and stability, the knowledge of having Alistair's regard and support.
His brother.
Nothing is worth losing that. ]
What do you think I said to them in Antivan, on the road back to Skyhold when I gave them the knife? They know their options.
[ It's a weak start to a forced joke; really he's disarmed, surprised at the sincerity when he'd been trying to offer a way out of the mire of apologizing, and relieved of weight he wouldn't have genuinely admitted to carrying. He has to stop and steady himself silently. ]
Thank you. [ Thank you? He feels like a nerd. He clears his throat. ] See, this is why I need to be here. After everything you've survived it would be really embarrassing for both of us if I smothered you to death trying to give you a hug.
[ Not actually less nerdy. Oh well. ]
I don't know. I was a little distracted by you giving them a knife. [ And not speaking Antivan. He hums though, thoughtfully. ] What made you understand we weren't going to turn you out or kill you?
[ It's on the edge of too soon. Context helps. There's a longer pause than necessary, but when Alistair does talk, it's just, ] Fuzzy. [ Offended. But not really. ]
You could show them a rift. [ It's hard to say whether the Inquisition is more or less desperate than they were. The scale is different. Bigger problem; infinitely bigger army. ] But you're not going to make them fight to stay, are you? Do they want to?
They are assassins. I cannot take that from them anymore than I can remove such things from myself. But...I wish them to do as I do. Take contracts on their own merit, actually keep the coin they earn. Have somewhere safe to hide when they need. A reputation to protect them. If they must fight- fighting for the Inquisition is not so terrible a cause.
[ It bothers him—that any of them, Zevran included, might think that's all they are or all they can do or the only reason they're alive—but he can't quite articulate why, and he's recently been in trouble for being overbearing and pushy, so he tries not to dwell. ]
Are they all right, though? They aren't going to try to sleep with Seeker Pentaghast or anything, are they? She's probably the one who could really force them out.
They know they are not permitted in Skyhold proper without my supervision. Leliana and I argued over that. She wished them dead and we...she is harder, now, than she was. Morrigan is softer. I would say the world is ending but we know that to be true.
[ He sighs, weary. ]
But no, they have not yet attempted to seduce Cassandra.
You could. Or you could have someone else do it for you, especially while you're recovering. [ Hopefully. He's not asking: have you been drinking alone or only with them, have you been outside much, who's keeping away the well-wishers for me when you don't feel like it. It's hard. ] I'm not saying you should. I'm only saying it's kind of you not to. I'm sure they feel better with you than they would with someone who didn't understand.
No one else knows what to make of them. Araceli plays cards with them, Beleth, I think, still may wish them dead. Korrin seems to have come around to understanding. I do not wish to burden Taas with them. The Iron Bull, perhaps, understands.
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crystal, "tomorrow," as promised
Date: 2016-02-21 08:29 am (UTC)[ A joke! Mostly. Kind of. ]
Look, don't beat yourself up. You've had plenty of that. Tell me, how's Vita?
crystal, "tomorrow," as promised
Date: 2016-02-21 08:34 am (UTC)[ Fine, a change of subject. ]
Well. She misses you. I think she is trying to seduce you.
crystal, "tomorrow," as promised
Date: 2016-02-21 09:19 am (UTC)[ And he makes a strangled noise that's a little bit like a laugh. ]
Maker's breath. She's twelve. [ Or something. ] You can tell her I miss her, too, but only if you make it sound very avuncular and appropriate.
crystal, "tomorrow," as promised
Date: 2016-02-21 09:27 am (UTC)[ He manages another soft laugh- strained. ]
Six and a half- we must not forget Doghren. And- She is sixteen, I think. Again, Crows do not keep track but to the best we can tell? Sixteen. I believe she is under the assumption that bedding you would cement her place in Skyhold as you are dear to me and they all know I will not bed them for anything. They have tried. It has been....an interesting week.
crystal, "tomorrow," as promised
Date: 2016-02-24 06:56 am (UTC)They've tried--they're all twelve. [ But that's sad. ] They can't think we carried them all the way from Antiva just to turn them out in the cold.
crystal, "tomorrow," as promised
Date: 2016-02-24 07:10 am (UTC)Well.
Ever. He'd attacked like a Crow to cut a man down. What does it matter if he feels poorly for having done his job so well? ]
No, they think they were brought here to die. Throwing themselves upon your mercy seems the wisest course. I should know, I did much the same.
crystal, "tomorrow," as promised
Date: 2016-02-24 07:32 am (UTC)They already have my mercy. They reminded me of you. [ A beat. ] You're not going to throw them out, are you?
crystal, "tomorrow," as promised
Date: 2016-02-24 07:36 am (UTC)[ Alistair chose a wonderful time to indulge in tact. ]
No. That would be the same as killing them, and I would like to think I've learned something of Mercy.
crystal, "tomorrow," as promised
Date: 2016-02-24 01:42 pm (UTC)[ He's flicking his own chest. It's probably not audible. ]
As long as you're not giving me up for someone better. I know Doghren is the full package, but...
[ Anyway. ]
Have you told them so?
crystal, "tomorrow," as promised
Date: 2016-02-25 03:52 am (UTC)[ In all his years and all the world, every bed he's shared and every laugh, every death, every tangled, knotted thing that sat between him and those he does continue to keep in touch with- nothing compares to the ease and stability, the knowledge of having Alistair's regard and support.
His brother.
Nothing is worth losing that. ]
What do you think I said to them in Antivan, on the road back to Skyhold when I gave them the knife? They know their options.
crystal, "tomorrow," as promised
Date: 2016-02-25 05:24 am (UTC)[ It's a weak start to a forced joke; really he's disarmed, surprised at the sincerity when he'd been trying to offer a way out of the mire of apologizing, and relieved of weight he wouldn't have genuinely admitted to carrying. He has to stop and steady himself silently. ]
Thank you. [ Thank you? He feels like a nerd. He clears his throat. ] See, this is why I need to be here. After everything you've survived it would be really embarrassing for both of us if I smothered you to death trying to give you a hug.
[ Not actually less nerdy. Oh well. ]
I don't know. I was a little distracted by you giving them a knife. [ And not speaking Antivan. He hums though, thoughtfully. ] What made you understand we weren't going to turn you out or kill you?
crystal, "tomorrow," as promised
Date: 2016-02-25 07:54 am (UTC)When I realized you were all actually that desperate for assistance.
crystal, "tomorrow," as promised
Date: 2016-02-25 08:27 am (UTC)You could show them a rift. [ It's hard to say whether the Inquisition is more or less desperate than they were. The scale is different. Bigger problem; infinitely bigger army. ] But you're not going to make them fight to stay, are you? Do they want to?
crystal, "tomorrow," as promised
Date: 2016-02-25 08:30 am (UTC)They are assassins. I cannot take that from them anymore than I can remove such things from myself. But...I wish them to do as I do. Take contracts on their own merit, actually keep the coin they earn. Have somewhere safe to hide when they need. A reputation to protect them. If they must fight- fighting for the Inquisition is not so terrible a cause.
crystal, "tomorrow," as promised
Date: 2016-02-25 10:22 am (UTC)[ It bothers him—that any of them, Zevran included, might think that's all they are or all they can do or the only reason they're alive—but he can't quite articulate why, and he's recently been in trouble for being overbearing and pushy, so he tries not to dwell. ]
Are they all right, though? They aren't going to try to sleep with Seeker Pentaghast or anything, are they? She's probably the one who could really force them out.
crystal, "tomorrow," as promised
Date: 2016-02-25 10:37 am (UTC)[ He sighs, weary. ]
But no, they have not yet attempted to seduce Cassandra.
crystal, "tomorrow," as promised
Date: 2016-02-25 11:17 pm (UTC)[ pause for effect ]
until I'm there to watch.
[ No. It's still sad. ]
It's kind of you to take them in, Zev. I don't think many people would.
crystal, "tomorrow," as promised
Date: 2016-02-26 12:14 am (UTC)[ He snorts a soft laugh. ]
...I know what it is to be in their shoes. The uncertainty, the fear, the tension. I cannot give them less than what was given to me ten years ago.
crystal, "tomorrow," as promised
Date: 2016-02-26 03:50 am (UTC)crystal, "tomorrow," as promised
Date: 2016-02-26 04:08 am (UTC)crystal, "tomorrow," as promised
Date: 2016-02-27 03:04 am (UTC)[ aka people who didn't want to kill the kids. ]
Can you imagine Sten here?
crystal, "tomorrow," as promised
Date: 2016-02-27 07:21 pm (UTC)He...ah. He called me 'Kadan'. Do you remember what Sten said that meant? If Sten said what it meant?
crystal, "tomorrow," as promised
Date: 2016-02-27 09:16 pm (UTC)Not that I recall. Maybe he told Jonas or Shale. It seemed like a compliment.
crystal, "tomorrow," as promised
Date: 2016-02-28 12:59 am (UTC)crystal, "tomorrow," as promised
Date: 2016-02-28 04:29 am (UTC)I've always sort of assumed it meant 'person I may consider sparing when my people invade your lands and slaughter everyone else.'
crystal, "tomorrow," as promised
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