[ He pauses, because (1) the discussion about what happened last time Zevran had non-brotherly capital-F Feelings for anyone was recent enough that he isn't willing to make too light of things and (2) he doesn't want Zevran to crawl through the sending crystal and bite him or something, which at the moment seems like a reasonable fear. But he's very brave, so: ]
Well, I wouldn't really know. But I imagine something good does, sometimes, or people wouldn't keep doing it. Not elves and human nobles, maybe, but. Otherwise. There's companionship, and people to notice if you disappear, and maybe some little Zevrans.
Were I to ever be overcome with some manner of madness and decide to start a family, I would not be giving my children knives. You are supposed to want them to have a better life than you did, yes?
And I will always be handling them. Or another House of Assassins. Sentiment means being made vulnerable by caring for someone. I am made vulnerable enough by my connection to you, I will not give the Crows or any one else undue leverage.
Imagine my reluctance to give up one of the few certain, good things in my life for something I can neither trust nor hope to keep!
[ Is he snapping? He's snapping. He doesn't enjoy thinking of Alistair gone- he does not like the idea that anyone is so easily replaced- he does not like speaking of this in the slightest. ]
[ Did his voice crack, raw and wretched around that last word? It did.
He is an assassin, he has no fear of death, no concern for his own- but that it would dare tread in the shadow of someone he has come to look to as family? It is too much. ]
I want the Crows dead, the Taint cured, the world to stop going mad for a decade or two and to retire to a lovely Rivaini beach for the rest of my days. But men such as you and I do not get what we want, Alistair.
We never have. We get what we take- and we are glad for it.
I don't know. It's the sort of thing I would have wanted if I could.
[ He still sounds subdued. And that's true, but it's not really why. After a moment to think he changes tack. ]
I don't want you leave you here without someone who knows you. Not like I do, of course. They'd need a long to catch up. But better than you usually let people. And someone who will drop everything and go after you if you're kidnapped or something. I'm sure Leliana would send people, and Isabela seems fun, but...
[ There are excuses on the tip of his tongue. That if he is captured he deserves it for not being able to prevent it, that he can likely escape on his own as he has done it before (that would get more of those exasperated sighs and worried looks he cannot stomach for the guilt), that no one needs to know him beyond what they already see, that Isabella is fun and that is all he wants, to have fun, not to be so serious and carve himself to the bone to hold out his blackened, beating heart for someone to scoff at again.
But the way Alistair says it. 'Leave you here'.
Even should the Crows come at him in force in the next month- the liklihood of Zevran perishing before Alistair is slim. He will be left. How he has come to loathe being left. ]
...I can promise nothing. [ He will not be so much a coward as to lie to Alistair over this. ] But- if it will ease your mind, I might make an attempt. Provided they are suitable.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
sometime
Date: 2015-12-06 01:17 am (UTC)[ He pauses, because (1) the discussion about what happened last time Zevran had non-brotherly capital-F Feelings for anyone was recent enough that he isn't willing to make too light of things and (2) he doesn't want Zevran to crawl through the sending crystal and bite him or something, which at the moment seems like a reasonable fear. But he's very brave, so: ]
Well, I wouldn't really know. But I imagine something good does, sometimes, or people wouldn't keep doing it. Not elves and human nobles, maybe, but. Otherwise. There's companionship, and people to notice if you disappear, and maybe some little Zevrans.
sometime
Date: 2015-12-06 01:22 am (UTC)[ Now this was a turn he did not expect- if only because Alistair and he have an understanding about discussing serious things.
In that they don't.
It's a marvelous understanding. ]
I have you for all that save the making of little Zevrans. I do not need to make 'little zevrans'.
sometime
Date: 2015-12-06 01:30 am (UTC)You don't need to. No one needs to. But it'd be really cute. Their little knives.
sometime
Date: 2015-12-06 01:32 am (UTC)sometime
Date: 2015-12-06 01:38 am (UTC)Toy ones. Wooden. Gifts from me, so you'd be heartless to throw them out.
And the rest of it--even if I'm around for a while, I'm not going to be around forever. And I need time to train my replacement.
sometime
Date: 2015-12-06 02:00 am (UTC)[ Of course, then, he is cut to the quick with that reminder. ]
That is cheating, you bastard.
sometime
Date: 2015-12-06 02:23 am (UTC)It's not cheating if it's true. Come on, Zev. I can't die properly if I'm worrying about you. I'll hang around too long and get all ghouly.
sometime
Date: 2015-12-06 02:27 am (UTC)sometime
Date: 2015-12-06 02:34 am (UTC)sometime
Date: 2015-12-06 02:37 am (UTC)sometime
Date: 2015-12-06 03:05 am (UTC)Maybe I have another brother somewhere.
sometime
Date: 2015-12-06 03:07 am (UTC)sometime
Date: 2015-12-06 03:20 am (UTC)Re: sometime
Date: 2015-12-06 03:27 am (UTC)sometime
Date: 2015-12-06 03:56 am (UTC)sometime
Date: 2015-12-06 03:59 am (UTC)sometime
Date: 2015-12-06 05:05 am (UTC)sometime
Date: 2015-12-06 05:09 am (UTC)It is not something I need, Alistair.
sometime
Date: 2015-12-06 05:41 am (UTC)sometime
Date: 2015-12-06 05:44 am (UTC)[ Is he snapping? He's snapping. He doesn't enjoy thinking of Alistair gone- he does not like the idea that anyone is so easily replaced- he does not like speaking of this in the slightest. ]
sometime
Date: 2015-12-06 06:09 am (UTC)I guess I am thinking more about what I want for you than what you want.
sometime
Date: 2015-12-06 06:13 am (UTC)[ Did his voice crack, raw and wretched around that last word? It did.
He is an assassin, he has no fear of death, no concern for his own- but that it would dare tread in the shadow of someone he has come to look to as family? It is too much. ]
I want the Crows dead, the Taint cured, the world to stop going mad for a decade or two and to retire to a lovely Rivaini beach for the rest of my days. But men such as you and I do not get what we want, Alistair.
We never have. We get what we take- and we are glad for it.
sometime
Date: 2015-12-06 06:14 am (UTC)Perhaps...if you were to explain why this was so important to you, I might consider it.
sometime
Date: 2015-12-06 07:21 am (UTC)[ He still sounds subdued. And that's true, but it's not really why. After a moment to think he changes tack. ]
I don't want you leave you here without someone who knows you. Not like I do, of course. They'd need a long to catch up. But better than you usually let people. And someone who will drop everything and go after you if you're kidnapped or something. I'm sure Leliana would send people, and Isabela seems fun, but...
sometime
Date: 2015-12-06 07:31 am (UTC)But the way Alistair says it. 'Leave you here'.
Even should the Crows come at him in force in the next month- the liklihood of Zevran perishing before Alistair is slim. He will be left. How he has come to loathe being left. ]
...I can promise nothing. [ He will not be so much a coward as to lie to Alistair over this. ] But- if it will ease your mind, I might make an attempt. Provided they are suitable.
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