[It's delivered with no bite. He will never have a dog, but he doesn't actually mind them. As long as they're not slobbering on him. Which Doghren looks tempted to do.]
I'm not tasty, pup, don't even try it. Nor is my cat.
[Who is now peeking out of Anders' pouch and peering down at the other animal.]
Purrelden will hold still forever if you put a pillow in the sun, she'll curl up on it and nap away. Or if you put a Nate in the sun, she'll sprawl over his face and nap. Have you tried something similar?
What having a small dog will do. Barkspawn was never so ill behaved.
[ He says, still reaching down to scratch Doghren's ears and provide her with an acceptable strip of leather on which to gnaw. Yes, she might be a little spoilt. A little. ]
Not quite, but she does hold still for Alistair. It must be the Ferelden in him. Speaking of, how are things with your Nathaniel?
[He comes in and lets the door close behind him before he's going to answer the question. It's not that he's trying to hide his relationship so much as it is he's worried about people hurting Nate. Once it's closed, though, Zevran gets a smile he's not seen from Anders before, something a little shy and a little hopeful.]
He is my Nathaniel. I'd no idea, and...
[Anders shakes his head.]
And I'd not thought it possible. What I am, what I've done...
[ For a moment there is that same twist in Zevran's chest- an echo of longing in his smile. A wistful sort of jealousy for something that he truly will not have. He can want it- he knows that now. Wanting it does nothing.
But it is not something he himself shall ever have.
The ache for such a sense of wholeness and certainty is staggering- but it passes. He is skilled in repressing such emotions. ]
I am happy for you both. Who knew your challenge would bear such wonderful fruit?
[There's a change in Zevran's smile and Anders' fades a little at the sight of it. Zevran had seemed happy as he was, sleeping around, not being bound to anyone, but Zevran is also an assassin, trained in hiding things. What if he's not happy? What if he's simply taking what he thinks he can get, as Anders had been?]
I don't think anyone could have.
[But how does one even ask if their friend is lonely if they have no idea if there's anyone or any way to fix it?]
But if someone can care that deeply for an abomination, someone could care that deeply for anyone.
Well I am glad to have helped. You both seem much more cheerful now that you are being laid regularly. [ It's easier to tease. So much easier to tease, to joke about these things than think of sentiment.
One, I was getting laid regularly already, thank you very much. I'm pretty. He, however, despite his handsomeness, was scowling at everyone so this is a change for him.
[He'll allow the teasing, because he's used teasing as a defense as well, for far longer than he'd been using anger. Teasing worked better, but it was far more difficult.]
In my opinion, if Alistair hasn't woken up to your charms after so long sharing a bed, there's no hope for him there. You'd sooner seduce Mia, which I believe is why she's sharing your bed now.
[There's a safety in constantly teasing someone who won't respond, who won't take you up on the offers you make. That's part of why he'd teased Nate as much as he had. He'd thought there was no attraction.]
And if you don't want to talk about this, then we don't have to. But I saw your smile change. And I... I know that look.
[Neither of them are good at treading into their own personal territory. He knows this. But he knows what it's like to want, to crave so much it hurts, and to think it might never be possible.]
Yes, you are very pretty, this is true. Nate is also quite handsome- are you sure you do not wish to share? Or at least let me watch once?
[ It's easy to make offers or ask things he knows will never be taken up- what they have is solid. Lasting. Personal. There is no room for him in their bed and he is just as pleased by this as they are with one another. ]
She has her own bed. [ That he crawls into from time to time with her permission. It's- a different sort of sentiment, there. Far more complicated. Enough for Zevran to flush a little at the thought even as he shakes the idea away. What they have is not the same and more precious for it.
And yet he wants more.
Greedy elf. ]
The look of someone that wants what is not theirs to want? It's...It will pass, Anders. It usually does. [ When something happens to remind him of who he is, what he does. Assassins do not get these things. Men like him? Do not have happy relationships. ]
[The thought of being watched while with Nate is a powerful one, and there is a definite look of interest in Anders' eyes.]
When it's not so new, I'll ask him if he'd be interested in you joining a time. Or watching.
[Nate might not go for it. Anders is still trying to get the measure of what the man enjoys in bed, other than him. And him begging, no less.]
And please tell me how you wanting something is wrong? You've more right to it than I. You helped stop the Fifth Blight; I simply helped clean up some of the aftermath. Your hands are bloody, but so are mine. So are the hands of so many who want far much more than someone to share something deeper with. There are people who live well, every want and wish satisfied, who kill for the fun of it. There are people who have nothing at all, and will never have anything in their far too short lives, who have the best of hearts.
[There's a growing passion in his voice despite how he's wanting to only encourage.]
Every person wants someone to care about them. It is a part of being mortal, and there's nothing wrong with wanting it, Zevran.
Wrong, no. But expecting such a thing? How can I do that? Everyone knows what it is to share my bed and my company. To change that assumption would take years. I was not kidding about the warnings posted at the Antivan border.
[ Hide your daughters, your wives, your sons. Hide yourself. Fear the lustful gaze of Zevran Arainai.
Or don't and enjoy him.
It'd been quite a catchy little stunt, if he did say so himself. ]
I have more than my share of caring. You care, Mia cares, Alistair cares. Leliana might care again, one day- though I do not mean to hold my breath in that. Shale cares, even, that much I did not expect of them. More than that- I have made friends here. Why hope for more than that?
You can't expect it, I don't think. I don't think it happens when you expect it, if the little I've seen of that sort of affection is anything to go by.
[It's a little bit of a case of the blind leading the blind here, honestly.]
I have wanted it for...
[He takes a breath.]
I have wanted it for so long, but I knew it would not happen. Mages do not get someone who cares the way Nate does about me. Wardens do not. Abominations do not. Mass murderers do not, and I am all four. That people care at all about me is more than I could hope for.
It doesn't matter, in the end, how many people you've shared your bed and company with. You don't have to change the assumptions of the public at large. Just with one person. One person who you care about, who cares about you. Who can accept you for who you are and what you've done.
Let the warnings be damned. You are worth every bit of caring you want.
You know the rumored list of my lovers well enough- many of them? Are true. Look at that list and consider and tell me of one that might want more of me. I cannot think of a single one that would.
[ Mia has his heart- has shades of his heart. Has all that he can give and feel safe to offer; but she does not want him the way most do. Part of him aches for that completion, for being wanted body and soul. That thing he'd had and thrown away with Rinna.
He cannot think of a single person that knows him, that he trusts so deeply, that would want more of him. ]
Consider those names and consider yourself- were I to come to you before Nathaniel and express sentiment to you, that I wanted more than what we shared- would you have taken me seriously?
If you'd spoken of it, yes. I would have believed you. You'd only say that if you meant it, Zevran.
[And honestly? Despite how he's nearly certain it would have ended in utter disaster, he would have given it a shot.]
As far as those you've slept with go... Have there been any you've let in at all? Because I think that's what it would need, for you to be taken seriously. For them to know you've been hurt and you hide it with smiles and easy words.
[There's no judgment in his voice. What he's saying of Zevran applies to him as well. It's a needed shield, the act of seeming fine when everything is wrong.]
What of those who went to Antiva?
[They'd had more of a glimpse into Zevran's pain than he would ever willingly show, after all.]
Alistair does not care for the company of men, Araceli is happily with Korrin and a sister to me more than anything else, Beleth is a student of mine and that is a line I shall not cross, you have your Nathaniel, Fate has Nerva now that they've both gotten their heads out of their asses and settled together, Taashath is of the Qun and they do not complicate matters of desire and sex with sentiment- even if he did I think, perhaps, a safer match for him could be found in Cyril. They are terribly fond of one another as well and while I have no doubt they might both welcome me into their bed-
I've experience enough with such things to know better than to make it more than an occasional enjoyment. The Iron Bull likewise is of the Qun and there is some manner of complicated sentiment between him and Dorian. I know now how deep it goes on either end, but it runs deep. I have seen it before and know when to step aside.
[ Lovers he has let in? 'Put the Love in Lover' as Alistair said. ]
There may have been a moment with Isabela but she is not one to indulge in serious sentiment. That is not to be. Fenris has been hurt just as deeply as I by his own past and while we share each other's bed on occasion I do not think we are broken in ways that allow us to support one another. Pel and I have stopped sharing a bed in favor of friendship. It is the strangest thing.
Michel de Chevin is- well. Michel de Chevin. He is a Chevalier and while he makes for a fine diversion and has seen me at vulnerable moments- and I think perhaps he does want more- that is...something else I know well enough to avoid. It never ends well, elves and Human Nobles. Least of all between men. Especially when the noble is Orlesian.
[...Fate has Nerva? There's anger building in the back of his mind from Justice, that a templar who found it fine to hit a mage might also take up with another. There could never be true equality or trust there, and while Anders agrees with that thought... this is not the time. Justice must be still.]
Michel would never view you as an equal, and would never understand enough. Isabela... no. She is not one to want anything deeper. Taas seemed sweet, but if he's interested elsewhere...
[Anders shakes his head.]
What do you like, in the people you'd consider if they had no other attachments and were not...
There are moments when I wonder...it is probably the novelty of things, truly. [ He crackles a laugh, a little bitter, a lot weary as he sits on the bed, his fingers tangled in one another, his eyes on his hands. ] Giving power to the elf, letting me fuck him, giving me the authority in this- it is a game. I know that. I am not all that certain he does.
[ The heat in his eyes, how he begs so sweetly-
It is a game. An ache. There is nothing more there and even should there be? He cannot pursue it. If nothing else Alistair's scorn, Beleth's warning, Anders' hesitation, Sabine's impassioned cries against-
They give him pause. Judgement he does not care for but- it gives him pause. ]
We are speaking seriously, yes? So...let me speak seriously.
[ Especially since he is certain this shall not leave the room. ]
A lack of judgement. Soft and shapely women, broad and well muscled men. A sense of humor- were it not for Dorian? I might...I might pursue Bull in as much as I know how to do so. He understands me quite well. As it is they fit. I cannot stand in the way of such a thing...but that understanding. To be as broken as I am, perhaps. To not be would leave me feeling as though I cannot hope to measure up.
[Anders takes a seat shortly after Zevran does, close enough to the elf that he might lean if wanted, but not so close as to crowd. It hurts to hear that Zevran thinks he needs someone broken... but he gets it. They are the both of them what they are. And if he's to look past his own many, many levels of denial, Nate may be wrapped in affection for the Anders that was before and doesn't understand how broken Anders has been.
For a few moments he's quiet before breaking the small gap and laying a hand on Zevran's tangled ones.]
I don't have a name for you. There are... There are a fair share of those who have been broken here. But broken who also carry a sense of humor, to have built that shield back up, they're few and far in between. Those who do not judge? Even fewer.
And yet that does not mean there is not someone.
[He can think of a few who fit small portions of that, who are available, but none who fit the whole of it.]
There can be. There should be. And it is not wrong to want it. It truly is not. I'm willing to help, too. I can be the best wingman.
[There's the slightest trace of a smile returning to his eyes.]
I walk up, flirt with someone, then introduce myself, and you step in and ask if I'm bothering them. It'll work like a charm, and your reputation will become that of the elf who saved the lovely woman or the handsome man from the scheming and dangerous Anders.
[ He's more broken than all but a bare handful know. Anders has a fair idea of the more recent cracks- but they are shallow and thin compared to the deeper scars. Alistair knew. Mia. Pel. Bull divined some of it from how he behaved in the way that Ben Hassrath agents had. Leliana understood but that thread of comfort is cut.
He shouldn't need it.
He shouldn't want it. Why does it matter that anyone cares for more than a quick tumble? Why should he give this consideration, give this weight? He wants. And...he'll want again in the future, certainly. But the ache will dull and he'll be able to better mind the ending of the world easily enough.
Slowly he untangles his fingers enough to curl his hands around Anders', to squeeze them gently. ]
As I said. It will pass in time. [ The smile he offers is edged but turned inward, the only one cut by any of this? Is him. A familiar wound that barely stings at this point. ] But it s kind of you to offer, Gattino.
[He's quiet at the smile and squeeze. He knows deflection when he sees it because it's so much of what he does, and he's tempted to allow it. He likes to ease away from the darker matters; it's easier. Simpler.
And he's trying to be better, do better.]
It may. And if it does, it will return.
[He'd thought himself done with it after Karl, and then he'd fallen for Hawke, thought himself done with it when turned down, and now he's terrifyingly swept away by Nate.]
I will look, Zevran.
[Zevran had made him a promise he'd desperately needed, once. Anders will not leave the assassin hurting if he can help it.]
Men like me...we are not meant to have such things. [ The lie is weak on his tongue even now, and he knows it. An excuse, something he can tell himself to make the wanting of more seem like a foolish dream. That it is not possible, that it is not for him, that it is not what assassins do.
He wants and is now out of reasons not to want.
Perhaps someone might come along that can offer everything- but trust is not offered so easily.
Perhaps one day Alistair may very well roll over and choose to hop borders.
Perhaps he will die tomorrow and all of this is moot, who can say? ]
Why? Why, exactly, are you not meant to have someone who cares like that?
[He has a billion things to worry about. Survival. Vengeance. Nate. A future for the mages. The Calling. Corypheus. Healing. Purrelden. Darkspawn and bandits and people who punch him and it's still entirely possible he'll trip and fall on the way back to camp tonight and plummet off the wall. What's one more thing?]
Because I am an Assassin and that is a dangerous life. Because I am wanted by the Crows and anyone that cares for me is a target. Because I killed the last two people that laid claim to my heart. Because losing them killed me and I cannot endure such things again. Because-
Villains don't get happy endings, Anders.
[ And is he not the Crow's own villain? The shadow that haunted them, hunted them and many nobles of Antiva alike? ]
I am an abomination and an Warden. I'm wanted by people who have never before given a damn about mages or Templars or Kirkwall. I... I killed the last person I was in a relationship with. In the very Chantry I later destroyed.
No. We don't get happy endings. If I'm lucky, I'll reach my end alongside Nate, but it won't be a pretty one. We'll be in the dark, surrounded by darkspawn hordes, and one of us will fail and falter first, and the other will lose them.
[He has no illusions about reaching his end peacefully on a small farm near an ocean with a horde of cats. Wishes, yes. But wishes that will never be and he knows this full well.]
For now, though. For now, I have a little happiness. As has nearly every villain in all of history. I will be hated by future generations, but somehow one man manages to hold me in his heart, and I will take that. I see no reason for you not to.
[ The excuse falls flat. Sentiment. Sentiment everywhere and it is not for him. It has never BEEN for him and he'd taken what scraps of joy he could find in the past but there is not one person in Thedas that would know him, would have him-
and would want him for more than a night afterward. ]
There is nothing here for me to take. Nothing more I would dare. It will pass. This- this is enough.
[ Mia, his friends, the occasional lover. It must be enough. He can want with every fiber in him but he does not know how to hold such a thing- he's forgotten. ]
[He cannot heal everyone. He cannot save every person who deserves to be saved, or help every person who deserves to be helped. These are lessons life has driven into him over and over... and he has chosen to ignore. Healing in Darktown had been fighting a losing battle, just as much as running the underground there and trying to circumvent what was coming. Even being a Grey Warden is a losing battle, because even with just two archdemons left there's no telling what might come next. Corypheus and the Architect are proof enough of that.
Maker, being in Skyhold and trying to help, being who he is, is a losing battle. He's not backing down from that, and he's not backing down from this.
But he's also not going to push Zevran more tonight. Later. Once Anders has had a chance to consider people, to look around, then he'll bring it back up. With as much subtlety as a dragon in a henhouse. Anders sighs.]
It will pass for now.
[It sounds like he's agreeing. Zevran probably knows better, but Anders doesn't think he'll be pushed on it. Zevran wants the matter to rest. Time for an abrupt topic switch that's only mostly unrelated, because Anders thinks maybe Zevran is also missing Alistair somewhat.]
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Date: 2016-04-29 06:12 am (UTC)[It's delivered with no bite. He will never have a dog, but he doesn't actually mind them. As long as they're not slobbering on him. Which Doghren looks tempted to do.]
I'm not tasty, pup, don't even try it. Nor is my cat.
[Who is now peeking out of Anders' pouch and peering down at the other animal.]
Purrelden will hold still forever if you put a pillow in the sun, she'll curl up on it and nap away. Or if you put a Nate in the sun, she'll sprawl over his face and nap. Have you tried something similar?
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Date: 2016-04-29 06:16 am (UTC)[ He says, still reaching down to scratch Doghren's ears and provide her with an acceptable strip of leather on which to gnaw. Yes, she might be a little spoilt. A little. ]
Not quite, but she does hold still for Alistair. It must be the Ferelden in him. Speaking of, how are things with your Nathaniel?
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Date: 2016-04-29 06:24 am (UTC)He is my Nathaniel. I'd no idea, and...
[Anders shakes his head.]
And I'd not thought it possible. What I am, what I've done...
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Date: 2016-04-29 06:29 am (UTC)But it is not something he himself shall ever have.
The ache for such a sense of wholeness and certainty is staggering- but it passes. He is skilled in repressing such emotions. ]
I am happy for you both. Who knew your challenge would bear such wonderful fruit?
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Date: 2016-04-29 06:36 am (UTC)I don't think anyone could have.
[But how does one even ask if their friend is lonely if they have no idea if there's anyone or any way to fix it?]
But if someone can care that deeply for an abomination, someone could care that deeply for anyone.
[He will never be subtle.]
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Date: 2016-04-29 06:44 am (UTC)Anders, of course, attempts to be subtle.
Well.
Attempts is being kind. ]
I suppose there is hope for Alistair yet, mm?
[ When in doubt, play pretty and dumb. ]
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Date: 2016-04-29 06:51 am (UTC)[He'll allow the teasing, because he's used teasing as a defense as well, for far longer than he'd been using anger. Teasing worked better, but it was far more difficult.]
In my opinion, if Alistair hasn't woken up to your charms after so long sharing a bed, there's no hope for him there. You'd sooner seduce Mia, which I believe is why she's sharing your bed now.
[There's a safety in constantly teasing someone who won't respond, who won't take you up on the offers you make. That's part of why he'd teased Nate as much as he had. He'd thought there was no attraction.]
And if you don't want to talk about this, then we don't have to. But I saw your smile change. And I... I know that look.
[Neither of them are good at treading into their own personal territory. He knows this. But he knows what it's like to want, to crave so much it hurts, and to think it might never be possible.]
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Date: 2016-04-29 06:56 am (UTC)[ It's easy to make offers or ask things he knows will never be taken up- what they have is solid. Lasting. Personal. There is no room for him in their bed and he is just as pleased by this as they are with one another. ]
She has her own bed. [ That he crawls into from time to time with her permission. It's- a different sort of sentiment, there. Far more complicated. Enough for Zevran to flush a little at the thought even as he shakes the idea away. What they have is not the same and more precious for it.
And yet he wants more.
Greedy elf. ]
The look of someone that wants what is not theirs to want? It's...It will pass, Anders. It usually does. [ When something happens to remind him of who he is, what he does. Assassins do not get these things. Men like him? Do not have happy relationships. ]
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Date: 2016-04-29 07:09 am (UTC)When it's not so new, I'll ask him if he'd be interested in you joining a time. Or watching.
[Nate might not go for it. Anders is still trying to get the measure of what the man enjoys in bed, other than him. And him begging, no less.]
And please tell me how you wanting something is wrong? You've more right to it than I. You helped stop the Fifth Blight; I simply helped clean up some of the aftermath. Your hands are bloody, but so are mine. So are the hands of so many who want far much more than someone to share something deeper with. There are people who live well, every want and wish satisfied, who kill for the fun of it. There are people who have nothing at all, and will never have anything in their far too short lives, who have the best of hearts.
[There's a growing passion in his voice despite how he's wanting to only encourage.]
Every person wants someone to care about them. It is a part of being mortal, and there's nothing wrong with wanting it, Zevran.
no subject
Date: 2016-04-29 07:20 am (UTC)[ Hide your daughters, your wives, your sons. Hide yourself. Fear the lustful gaze of Zevran Arainai.
Or don't and enjoy him.
It'd been quite a catchy little stunt, if he did say so himself. ]
I have more than my share of caring. You care, Mia cares, Alistair cares. Leliana might care again, one day- though I do not mean to hold my breath in that. Shale cares, even, that much I did not expect of them. More than that- I have made friends here. Why hope for more than that?
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Date: 2016-04-29 07:29 am (UTC)[It's a little bit of a case of the blind leading the blind here, honestly.]
I have wanted it for...
[He takes a breath.]
I have wanted it for so long, but I knew it would not happen. Mages do not get someone who cares the way Nate does about me. Wardens do not. Abominations do not. Mass murderers do not, and I am all four. That people care at all about me is more than I could hope for.
It doesn't matter, in the end, how many people you've shared your bed and company with. You don't have to change the assumptions of the public at large. Just with one person. One person who you care about, who cares about you. Who can accept you for who you are and what you've done.
Let the warnings be damned. You are worth every bit of caring you want.
no subject
Date: 2016-04-29 07:37 am (UTC)[ Mia has his heart- has shades of his heart. Has all that he can give and feel safe to offer; but she does not want him the way most do. Part of him aches for that completion, for being wanted body and soul. That thing he'd had and thrown away with Rinna.
He cannot think of a single person that knows him, that he trusts so deeply, that would want more of him. ]
Consider those names and consider yourself- were I to come to you before Nathaniel and express sentiment to you, that I wanted more than what we shared- would you have taken me seriously?
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Date: 2016-04-29 07:50 am (UTC)[And honestly? Despite how he's nearly certain it would have ended in utter disaster, he would have given it a shot.]
As far as those you've slept with go... Have there been any you've let in at all? Because I think that's what it would need, for you to be taken seriously. For them to know you've been hurt and you hide it with smiles and easy words.
[There's no judgment in his voice. What he's saying of Zevran applies to him as well. It's a needed shield, the act of seeming fine when everything is wrong.]
What of those who went to Antiva?
[They'd had more of a glimpse into Zevran's pain than he would ever willingly show, after all.]
no subject
Date: 2016-04-29 08:00 am (UTC)I've experience enough with such things to know better than to make it more than an occasional enjoyment. The Iron Bull likewise is of the Qun and there is some manner of complicated sentiment between him and Dorian. I know now how deep it goes on either end, but it runs deep. I have seen it before and know when to step aside.
[ Lovers he has let in? 'Put the Love in Lover' as Alistair said. ]
There may have been a moment with Isabela but she is not one to indulge in serious sentiment. That is not to be. Fenris has been hurt just as deeply as I by his own past and while we share each other's bed on occasion I do not think we are broken in ways that allow us to support one another. Pel and I have stopped sharing a bed in favor of friendship. It is the strangest thing.
Michel de Chevin is- well. Michel de Chevin. He is a Chevalier and while he makes for a fine diversion and has seen me at vulnerable moments- and I think perhaps he does want more- that is...something else I know well enough to avoid. It never ends well, elves and Human Nobles. Least of all between men. Especially when the noble is Orlesian.
no subject
Date: 2016-04-29 08:19 am (UTC)Michel would never view you as an equal, and would never understand enough. Isabela... no. She is not one to want anything deeper. Taas seemed sweet, but if he's interested elsewhere...
[Anders shakes his head.]
What do you like, in the people you'd consider if they had no other attachments and were not...
[Idiots.]
Chevalier?
no subject
Date: 2016-04-29 08:26 am (UTC)[ The heat in his eyes, how he begs so sweetly-
It is a game. An ache. There is nothing more there and even should there be? He cannot pursue it. If nothing else Alistair's scorn, Beleth's warning, Anders' hesitation, Sabine's impassioned cries against-
They give him pause. Judgement he does not care for but- it gives him pause. ]
We are speaking seriously, yes? So...let me speak seriously.
[ Especially since he is certain this shall not leave the room. ]
A lack of judgement. Soft and shapely women, broad and well muscled men. A sense of humor- were it not for Dorian? I might...I might pursue Bull in as much as I know how to do so. He understands me quite well. As it is they fit. I cannot stand in the way of such a thing...but that understanding. To be as broken as I am, perhaps. To not be would leave me feeling as though I cannot hope to measure up.
no subject
Date: 2016-04-29 08:42 am (UTC)For a few moments he's quiet before breaking the small gap and laying a hand on Zevran's tangled ones.]
I don't have a name for you. There are... There are a fair share of those who have been broken here. But broken who also carry a sense of humor, to have built that shield back up, they're few and far in between. Those who do not judge? Even fewer.
And yet that does not mean there is not someone.
[He can think of a few who fit small portions of that, who are available, but none who fit the whole of it.]
There can be. There should be. And it is not wrong to want it. It truly is not. I'm willing to help, too. I can be the best wingman.
[There's the slightest trace of a smile returning to his eyes.]
I walk up, flirt with someone, then introduce myself, and you step in and ask if I'm bothering them. It'll work like a charm, and your reputation will become that of the elf who saved the lovely woman or the handsome man from the scheming and dangerous Anders.
no subject
Date: 2016-04-29 08:55 am (UTC)He shouldn't need it.
He shouldn't want it. Why does it matter that anyone cares for more than a quick tumble? Why should he give this consideration, give this weight? He wants. And...he'll want again in the future, certainly. But the ache will dull and he'll be able to better mind the ending of the world easily enough.
Slowly he untangles his fingers enough to curl his hands around Anders', to squeeze them gently. ]
As I said. It will pass in time. [ The smile he offers is edged but turned inward, the only one cut by any of this? Is him. A familiar wound that barely stings at this point. ] But it s kind of you to offer, Gattino.
no subject
Date: 2016-04-29 09:16 am (UTC)And he's trying to be better, do better.]
It may. And if it does, it will return.
[He'd thought himself done with it after Karl, and then he'd fallen for Hawke, thought himself done with it when turned down, and now he's terrifyingly swept away by Nate.]
I will look, Zevran.
[Zevran had made him a promise he'd desperately needed, once. Anders will not leave the assassin hurting if he can help it.]
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Date: 2016-04-29 09:23 am (UTC)Men like me...we are not meant to have such things. [ The lie is weak on his tongue even now, and he knows it. An excuse, something he can tell himself to make the wanting of more seem like a foolish dream. That it is not possible, that it is not for him, that it is not what assassins do.
He wants and is now out of reasons not to want.
Perhaps someone might come along that can offer everything- but trust is not offered so easily.
Perhaps one day Alistair may very well roll over and choose to hop borders.
Perhaps he will die tomorrow and all of this is moot, who can say? ]
You have other things to worry about, Anders.
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Date: 2016-04-29 09:27 am (UTC)[He has a billion things to worry about. Survival. Vengeance. Nate. A future for the mages. The Calling. Corypheus. Healing. Purrelden. Darkspawn and bandits and people who punch him and it's still entirely possible he'll trip and fall on the way back to camp tonight and plummet off the wall. What's one more thing?]
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Date: 2016-04-29 09:30 am (UTC)Villains don't get happy endings, Anders.
[ And is he not the Crow's own villain? The shadow that haunted them, hunted them and many nobles of Antiva alike? ]
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Date: 2016-04-29 09:39 am (UTC)[Hypocrisy. A language Anders speaks well.]
I am an abomination and an Warden. I'm wanted by people who have never before given a damn about mages or Templars or Kirkwall. I... I killed the last person I was in a relationship with. In the very Chantry I later destroyed.
No. We don't get happy endings. If I'm lucky, I'll reach my end alongside Nate, but it won't be a pretty one. We'll be in the dark, surrounded by darkspawn hordes, and one of us will fail and falter first, and the other will lose them.
[He has no illusions about reaching his end peacefully on a small farm near an ocean with a horde of cats. Wishes, yes. But wishes that will never be and he knows this full well.]
For now, though. For now, I have a little happiness. As has nearly every villain in all of history. I will be hated by future generations, but somehow one man manages to hold me in his heart, and I will take that. I see no reason for you not to.
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Date: 2016-04-29 09:44 am (UTC)[ The excuse falls flat. Sentiment. Sentiment everywhere and it is not for him. It has never BEEN for him and he'd taken what scraps of joy he could find in the past but there is not one person in Thedas that would know him, would have him-
and would want him for more than a night afterward. ]
There is nothing here for me to take. Nothing more I would dare. It will pass. This- this is enough.
[ Mia, his friends, the occasional lover. It must be enough. He can want with every fiber in him but he does not know how to hold such a thing- he's forgotten. ]
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Date: 2016-04-29 10:03 am (UTC)Maker, being in Skyhold and trying to help, being who he is, is a losing battle. He's not backing down from that, and he's not backing down from this.
But he's also not going to push Zevran more tonight. Later. Once Anders has had a chance to consider people, to look around, then he'll bring it back up. With as much subtlety as a dragon in a henhouse. Anders sighs.]
It will pass for now.
[It sounds like he's agreeing. Zevran probably knows better, but Anders doesn't think he'll be pushed on it. Zevran wants the matter to rest. Time for an abrupt topic switch that's only mostly unrelated, because Anders thinks maybe Zevran is also missing Alistair somewhat.]
So when are you moving down to the Warden camp?
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