[ The excuse falls flat. Sentiment. Sentiment everywhere and it is not for him. It has never BEEN for him and he'd taken what scraps of joy he could find in the past but there is not one person in Thedas that would know him, would have him-
and would want him for more than a night afterward. ]
There is nothing here for me to take. Nothing more I would dare. It will pass. This- this is enough.
[ Mia, his friends, the occasional lover. It must be enough. He can want with every fiber in him but he does not know how to hold such a thing- he's forgotten. ]
[He cannot heal everyone. He cannot save every person who deserves to be saved, or help every person who deserves to be helped. These are lessons life has driven into him over and over... and he has chosen to ignore. Healing in Darktown had been fighting a losing battle, just as much as running the underground there and trying to circumvent what was coming. Even being a Grey Warden is a losing battle, because even with just two archdemons left there's no telling what might come next. Corypheus and the Architect are proof enough of that.
Maker, being in Skyhold and trying to help, being who he is, is a losing battle. He's not backing down from that, and he's not backing down from this.
But he's also not going to push Zevran more tonight. Later. Once Anders has had a chance to consider people, to look around, then he'll bring it back up. With as much subtlety as a dragon in a henhouse. Anders sighs.]
It will pass for now.
[It sounds like he's agreeing. Zevran probably knows better, but Anders doesn't think he'll be pushed on it. Zevran wants the matter to rest. Time for an abrupt topic switch that's only mostly unrelated, because Anders thinks maybe Zevran is also missing Alistair somewhat.]
[ For a moment he's certain Anders will push as Alistair had on another matter. That he would snap, that they would fight, that he'd lose this comfortable understanding they shared. He's tense against Anders for that moment, waiting for the sign to sheathe his claws or to swipe.
The subject changes- not dropped, but changed- and he relaxes. Lists into Anders' side and lets his eyes drift half closed.
For now he does not need to think about it. And for that? He shall remain grateful. ]
When you have more than a camp to live in. As soon as we've building materials? The Kestrels and I are going to begin constructing a proper, heated house large enough for all of us. If we get a few runes we can even have heated baths and a private cistern for water.
[He shifts to put an arm around Zevran's waist to hold him loosely. The tension hadn't been noticeable until gone, but its new absence means he chose correctly. For once.]
By 'all of us' and that heated house, do you mean just the Kestrals and you? Or do Wardens who may have grown up somewhere far warmer get to share it? I double as a water-heater. Warden Water Heater was my official title at Vigil's Keep.
[ Yes, Jonas had written about that. Zevran had found it as hilarious as previously assumed. ]
All of us. The features that make the house heated and the baths worthwhile are impractical and do not work well in a building only large enough for the Kestrels. It would be large enough for me, them, and the Wardens in the valley. A true slice of Antiva in the mountains.
[Velanna would never talk about that. If she'd rolled her eyes any harder, the rest of them would have been on hands and knees searching for them.]
Oghren? Jonas? Certainly not Nate. Unless that came up somehow.
[He shouldn't hold dear the fact that before Justice he'd been someone people talked about in a positive way, he shouldn't miss that horribly, but he does. Finding out someone had spoken of that... He almost hopes that it wasn't Nate, that someone else had appreciated him enough for that. Once he'd been free and full of hope, and while that part of him is long gone, sometimes he feels its lack.
There's a little sadness to his smile, and he's glad that Zevran's leaning against him now, less able to see his expression.]
And I've never been to Antiva. I'll enjoy the little slice of it. There won't be anything Anders to the building, though, because that was a dry heat, far from a humic one.
Jonas when he wrote of you and his new band of misfits. We exchanged letters often those first few years.
[ He crackles a soft laugh, thinking back to how bizarre it'd been to get the royal seal and everything-
for sketches of a dance with stick figures and an underlined statement that 'you'd like him, Zev'. ]
He was sad I was not in the country as we would have gotten along. Told me I missed out on another round with a Broodmother and bone skeleton and whatnot. I am not entirely sad to have missed it myself- but perhaps meeting you sooner would have been worth it.
One day I shall take you- and it won't be awful. Show you the city I love.
[It would have been entertaining, that's for certain. But if they were friends here after meeting back then, he'd be left wondering what he is with Nate - if he's liked because of who he is now, or who he once was. It's all right that they've met now. That Zevran accepts him as he is.]
I'd like to see it. I'd like to see so much more of the world than I have. I could be the most-traveled mage in hundreds of years.
[He may already be, truth be told.]
To be surpassed by this next generation, I hope. I hope so much.
I must ask, though- because he did make sketches but Jonas, yes, he is no great artist. What does the spicy shimmy look like?
[ Lighter things, easier things. Zevran tips his face up to peer at Anders, all wide eyed innocence and curiosity. Truly it is his best impression of Merrill possible. ]
Would you show me?
[ The rest- the traveling, the hope, the seeing of Antiva- he can say nothing for or against it, only squeeze Ander's hand. It is good to hope, truly. ]
Are you sure it wouldn't be a disappointment after so many years of wondering? By now you've probably come up with far better versions of it than I could ever provide.
[It had been a goofy, in-the-moment invention made necessary by his need of deflection. He's fairly sure there had been waggled fingers and eyebrows. And some steps. And a little hum.
He may be stalling.]
I'm not even sure I remember...
[And yet Zevran looks so hopeful. At least he knows any laughter from the elf won't be mocking. Anders gets up with a sigh.]
I think it started like this.
[Plenty of waggling. Fingers, eyebrows, and hips. The man he was is mostly lost, but there are remnants.]
It has been so long since you last? A shame. We must give you reason to employ this stunning maneuver more often.
[ It isn't terribly sensual. It isn't terribly skilled- but it's hilarious. It's fun. And it is all too easy to imagine a younger man, a lighter man doing so.
Treating this with all due seriousness Zevran stands and mirrors Anders as best he can. Waggling eyebrows, fingers, rolling hips. ]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2016-04-29 09:44 am (UTC)[ The excuse falls flat. Sentiment. Sentiment everywhere and it is not for him. It has never BEEN for him and he'd taken what scraps of joy he could find in the past but there is not one person in Thedas that would know him, would have him-
and would want him for more than a night afterward. ]
There is nothing here for me to take. Nothing more I would dare. It will pass. This- this is enough.
[ Mia, his friends, the occasional lover. It must be enough. He can want with every fiber in him but he does not know how to hold such a thing- he's forgotten. ]
no subject
Date: 2016-04-29 10:03 am (UTC)Maker, being in Skyhold and trying to help, being who he is, is a losing battle. He's not backing down from that, and he's not backing down from this.
But he's also not going to push Zevran more tonight. Later. Once Anders has had a chance to consider people, to look around, then he'll bring it back up. With as much subtlety as a dragon in a henhouse. Anders sighs.]
It will pass for now.
[It sounds like he's agreeing. Zevran probably knows better, but Anders doesn't think he'll be pushed on it. Zevran wants the matter to rest. Time for an abrupt topic switch that's only mostly unrelated, because Anders thinks maybe Zevran is also missing Alistair somewhat.]
So when are you moving down to the Warden camp?
no subject
Date: 2016-04-29 10:09 am (UTC)The subject changes- not dropped, but changed- and he relaxes. Lists into Anders' side and lets his eyes drift half closed.
For now he does not need to think about it. And for that? He shall remain grateful. ]
When you have more than a camp to live in. As soon as we've building materials? The Kestrels and I are going to begin constructing a proper, heated house large enough for all of us. If we get a few runes we can even have heated baths and a private cistern for water.
no subject
Date: 2016-04-29 10:16 am (UTC)By 'all of us' and that heated house, do you mean just the Kestrals and you? Or do Wardens who may have grown up somewhere far warmer get to share it? I double as a water-heater. Warden Water Heater was my official title at Vigil's Keep.
Or Nuisance Warden. I forget which it was.
no subject
Date: 2016-04-29 10:20 am (UTC)[ Yes, Jonas had written about that. Zevran had found it as hilarious as previously assumed. ]
All of us. The features that make the house heated and the baths worthwhile are impractical and do not work well in a building only large enough for the Kestrels. It would be large enough for me, them, and the Wardens in the valley. A true slice of Antiva in the mountains.
no subject
Date: 2016-04-29 10:33 am (UTC)What... Who?
[Velanna would never talk about that. If she'd rolled her eyes any harder, the rest of them would have been on hands and knees searching for them.]
Oghren? Jonas? Certainly not Nate. Unless that came up somehow.
[He shouldn't hold dear the fact that before Justice he'd been someone people talked about in a positive way, he shouldn't miss that horribly, but he does. Finding out someone had spoken of that... He almost hopes that it wasn't Nate, that someone else had appreciated him enough for that. Once he'd been free and full of hope, and while that part of him is long gone, sometimes he feels its lack.
There's a little sadness to his smile, and he's glad that Zevran's leaning against him now, less able to see his expression.]
And I've never been to Antiva. I'll enjoy the little slice of it. There won't be anything Anders to the building, though, because that was a dry heat, far from a humic one.
no subject
Date: 2016-04-29 10:37 am (UTC)[ He crackles a soft laugh, thinking back to how bizarre it'd been to get the royal seal and everything-
for sketches of a dance with stick figures and an underlined statement that 'you'd like him, Zev'. ]
He was sad I was not in the country as we would have gotten along. Told me I missed out on another round with a Broodmother and bone skeleton and whatnot. I am not entirely sad to have missed it myself- but perhaps meeting you sooner would have been worth it.
One day I shall take you- and it won't be awful. Show you the city I love.
no subject
Date: 2016-04-29 10:55 am (UTC)[It would have been entertaining, that's for certain. But if they were friends here after meeting back then, he'd be left wondering what he is with Nate - if he's liked because of who he is now, or who he once was. It's all right that they've met now. That Zevran accepts him as he is.]
I'd like to see it. I'd like to see so much more of the world than I have. I could be the most-traveled mage in hundreds of years.
[He may already be, truth be told.]
To be surpassed by this next generation, I hope. I hope so much.
no subject
Date: 2016-04-29 10:59 am (UTC)[ Lighter things, easier things. Zevran tips his face up to peer at Anders, all wide eyed innocence and curiosity. Truly it is his best impression of Merrill possible. ]
Would you show me?
[ The rest- the traveling, the hope, the seeing of Antiva- he can say nothing for or against it, only squeeze Ander's hand. It is good to hope, truly. ]
no subject
Date: 2016-04-29 10:31 pm (UTC)[It had been a goofy, in-the-moment invention made necessary by his need of deflection. He's fairly sure there had been waggled fingers and eyebrows. And some steps. And a little hum.
He may be stalling.]
I'm not even sure I remember...
[And yet Zevran looks so hopeful. At least he knows any laughter from the elf won't be mocking. Anders gets up with a sigh.]
I think it started like this.
[Plenty of waggling. Fingers, eyebrows, and hips. The man he was is mostly lost, but there are remnants.]
no subject
Date: 2016-04-29 10:43 pm (UTC)[ It isn't terribly sensual. It isn't terribly skilled- but it's hilarious. It's fun. And it is all too easy to imagine a younger man, a lighter man doing so.
Treating this with all due seriousness Zevran stands and mirrors Anders as best he can. Waggling eyebrows, fingers, rolling hips. ]
Like this?
no subject
Date: 2016-04-29 10:51 pm (UTC)[It's echoed so very dryly.]
That's certainly one word for it. And yes. That's it in its ridiculousness. Now you can tell me how disappointed you are.
no subject
Date: 2016-04-29 10:57 pm (UTC)[ One last little wriggle, one last little shimmy of his shoulders before he tips over to fall against Anders with a laugh. ]
Not disappointed at all. Why would I be disappointed?
no subject
Date: 2016-04-29 11:32 pm (UTC)[And pleased. Touched. They're ridiculous and he can feel Justice's disdain for it, but Zevran at least had enjoyed himself.]
Because it's a shimmy, but hardly spicy. And it's hard to imagine how Jonas described it to you.
no subject
Date: 2016-04-30 01:57 am (UTC)[ Usually in a way that leaves him quite attractive or desirable but, on occasion, he is content to pay the clown. ]
Jonas drew stick figures of a noodly mage shaking at a snickering dwarf. It was a little difficult to pick out.
no subject
Date: 2016-04-30 04:37 am (UTC)[He cuts off the fake outrage.]
All right. I was noodly. Scrawny, but still pretty. and talented.I was... I was someone so much different from who I am now.
no subject
Date: 2016-04-30 05:31 am (UTC)[ Zevran smirks, hooking an arm around Anders' waist to tug him in for an easy embrace. ]
And you are always pretty, Anders.
no subject
Date: 2016-05-01 03:07 am (UTC)A decade does.
[And more than the time, but that goes unsaid.]
I'll endeavour to stay pretty, but I'm sure if I slip up again you'll be there to help. I can't be allowed to assault your sensibilities again.