Open RP Post

[ombranera]

I am good for: OUs AUs Gen Smut WHATEVER GIMME

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[onlyhymns]

It sounds exhausting, but... so does everything. In spite of himself, Cade is still suspicious as he watches Zevran talk, but the further line of questioning actually does help to alleviate some of his worry. He shakes his head, hunching his shoulders slightly.

"..I would... like that," he forces himself to say, "...I think." And then he pauses, clearly running something over in his mind, before he adds, "...how do I know you're... that you won't..."
It's not intended to insult Zevran. But if Cade is mistreated that way again, he will never recover from it, and he knows this on a deep and intuitive level.

[ombranera]

"Do something you do not wish me to do? You have said no. I mean to respect that." He takes no offense. Anyone else and he might but- Cade and he have endured similar circumstances. "...It did not stop, after him. I killed him, yes, but I was with the Crows until I was six and twenty. If not him, another or one of the masters. It is only when The Warden and Alistair freed me that my skin became my own in truth. I know what it is to wish to say no but be unable to do so, for whatever reason. That is why when you say no, when you express discomfort? I stop. This is in your hands, Cade."

[onlyhymns]

Although he's the sort of person who tends to be on-edge and wary of others' intentions, Cade also craves the simplicity and relief of trusting someone. In the past he has placed that trust in superior officers, people who were paid to have his best interests at heart; but when that went awry, when he was left directionless in the Hinterlands with men who wouldn't follow him and mages trying to kill them, it all fell apart.
As far as he's concernedl, the Knights-Commander at Skyhold would prefer that he remain off the Order's radar entirely.

He mulls this over for a few minutes as he looks at Zevran, his gaze deeply pensive and ever-presently anxious. However, he hasn't left yet.
"What sort of... rules would there be?" he asks quietly, with the same underlying dread as before. It's as though he's testing Zevran, trying to figure out the catch.

[ombranera]

He lets Cade have the time to mull it over. Something like this? Is not done lightly or easily. It needs all the consideration either of them care to give. Silence can be uncomfortable, can be disquieting- but Zevran takes it as a sign that Cade is truly giving this the full weight it deserves. He has time.

"That depends on how much structure you require. Would more rules be better than less? A schedule to keep, perhaps, on top of that?"

[onlyhymns]

"I have a schedule," he murmurs, "I work for Seeker Aleron, and... I help out around the keep. I eat and sleep when I'm supposed to. I go to the chapel twice a day." Nothing has changed since he received the schedule Nerva gave him-- he's made sure of that, with or without supervision.
"I don't know what more rules I'd need," he continues, a bit helplessly, "...I don't break any rules."

[ombranera]

"And yet you still find yourself out of sorts, yes?" Otherwise the idea would not appeal to him so keenly. "What is your current schedule- and how do you help around the keep?"

Anything that needed to be added or embellished upon, Zevran could likely work with that.

[onlyhymns]

Cade nods. Out of sorts is a way he has felt for what seems like always, but sometimes it's more obvious than others. It's a strain, having seemingly everything he needs to get through the day, and still feeling a lack.
"...chapel, after I wake up," he recites, "breakfast. Work. Lunch, work. ...do whatever Nerva asks, help with any labor needed around Skyhold until dinner. Chapel. Then..." He shrugs. "Sleep, and start over again." On days like today, when there aren't any extra tasks for which he's needed, he's able to go amuse himself as long as he stays out of trouble. Which... he's at least partially managed, depending on how one defines trouble.

[ombranera]

"After your morning's work but before lunch find me in the barn and debrief me on what you've been doing thusfar in the day. It will not be much, merely a discussion, my checking in to see how you are feeling- a second debriefing before dinner. If at any time during the day you feel out of sorts or anxious, no matter what time it is or what you are doing? Either find me in person or send for me with the sending crystals."

What he would do if Cade felt thus- he isn't quite certain yet. But having a process in hand for when that happened was better than hoping it never would.

[onlyhymns]

Another easy nod follows. Although he has several people to report to during the day, all of them naturally have their own lives and priorities, and it's rare that he feels an important part of either. Or... that he matters at all, beyond being a nuisance.

But this sounds easy enough. Nothing he has to fret over doing right or wrong, just a conversation. And thank the Maker it isn't as extreme as constant supervision.
"I can do that," he confirms in a quiet voice, almost a whisper.

[ombranera]

"After dinner? Take an hour or so to read something for yourself. A few chapters of a work of fiction you enjoy. The next day during our meeting we'll discuss it." It is a very loose sketch of a schedule, and rules? "What are the current rules you abide by?"

[onlyhymns]

Cade nods again, a little more hesitantly. Being told to take leisure time is something new, and he didn't expect it, but he supposes he can deal with that.
As for current rules...
"Um... no weapons," he lists, beginning to turn red, and bringing a hand up to curl over his mouth while he talks, "don't leave Skyhold, don't start any trouble, or get in any fights... get enough sleep, eat enough, um... do whatever's asked of me throughout the day. Chores and things. Follow the Chant of Light" It's essentially the life of a schoolchild, and that fact is not lost on him. It puts him in an odd place, mentally, considering those were some of the worst years of his life.

"Oh, and..." He goes a bit redder, and sighs, glancing at the door. "...I'm, ah... not supposed to be out of anyone's line of sight." Which he most assuredly was, before Zevran came in.

[ombranera]

Basic and broad rules, all. For now they will have to do, only further observation and consideration will tell him if Cade needs more specifics or less. They hadn't even touched on punishments for breaking said rules as- to the best of Zevran's ability to understand the current rules, he has not broken any.

Or.

He has. Curious. "And should you break those rules- what is the punishment?"

An hour at prayer? A written essay on how not to break the rule? Running laps about skyhold? Is he punished like a templar, a student, a soldier, or a criminal?

[onlyhymns]

It's true, he hasn't broken any since the initial incident -- or, well, he's broken this one, but has never been caught.
"..I don't know," he admits, "I suppose I'd just... be put under tighter surveillance." The very thought exhausts him; for someone this shy, having to constantly be in the presence of other people is as draining as having to run laps with bricks tied to one's feet.

"...or given more work to do, maybe." And be resented further by those in charge of supervision, if he's not shunted off to do busywork and forgotten entirely.
If nothing else, the punishment would be feeling even less like a person than he already does.

[ombranera]

"Do you feel those are fitting?" In the Crows breaking rules- what few there were and breaking them in such a way as to be caught- meant a flogging. Whether or not that would be at all appropriate or even suitable for Cade's needs, he cannot say. But something must be done for a rule broken, or something must be changed so the rule is more fair to a man that seems to have difficulties with people.

Reasonable ones.

"Or would something more concrete, something that would serve as a reminder suit?"

[onlyhymns]

Cade reflects on the question a moment, then nods wearily. "I'm just..." he muses, "...it's always. I'm lucky I'm not in a dungeon, I know. But just... every.. minute of every day, I'm reminded. That I can't be trusted, and that I'm worthless to the Order." His voice has descended into a bitter mumble. "I'm.. unforgivable."

Not usually the type to rant, even quietly, Cade shakes his head and composes himself, but slouches against the wall as if encumbered by a heavy weight. "In the abbey we'd just get switched," he remembers with a strained smirk, "and then it was over." And even then, he was a good kid; the irony of this creeps into his voice as he adds, "I only ever even got it once, and that was just because of Alistair."
And now he's being tortured. Most people might not realize it, but for him, torture is exactly what it is.

[ombranera]

"Would you prefer that? Instead of being watched at all hours. That if you slip or feel yourself slip, you come to me, be switched, and the matter considered closed?" He could speak with those that stand above him, he supposed. Remain vague in his reasoning. Nerva understood him somewhat- well enough to know when he was jesting and when he was treating something with due seriousness provided she was not directly involved. The Seekers...

They might take some time. But he could lean, a little, on reputation without having to tell Cade's story.

"I do not think anyone can punish you as terribly as you punish yourself." A beat. "I was in a similar place once and know the feeling to a degree."

Not like this, not being unworthy of something so noble- but being nothing. Worth nothing. Meaning nothing. This he knows.

[onlyhymns]

Cade was speaking in hypotheticals, and then Zevran takes them, solidifies them, and presents them to him like a gift. Perhaps not an... entirely welcome gift, based on Cade's sudden expression of thinly-veiled horror. He's rendered speechless for several long moments, and his blush reaches all the way to his ears.

He doesn't flee, however. He just turns away, staring at the floor and huddled in the blanket, and is just.. silent, for several minutes. He has to consult the committees.

These include the Self-Loathing, Piety, and Crippling Insecurity committees, as well as a very small voice from the Okay But Let's Be Real You Kind Of Like It committee, which he is quick to suppress. The Dignity branch has lost a lot of standing in the past couple years, Unquestioning Obedience is all for it. The only dissenting voice is from the Panic Coalition, which noisily reminds him that this is the first time he's met this person, not just a man but a notorious philanderer, and Cade would essentially be putting his life and reputation in his hands.

Things are getting noisy in here.

[ombranera]

Zevran gives Cade a fair while to sort the idea out properly. It is a vast change in how things seem to be done, a step to the left of what might have been expected. Honestly- it is not something he thought he might offer but when presented with that option, to do something and have it done- for it to be neat and final in such a way? how can he not. It is a clean, elegant solution to a highly convoluted problem.

But when Cade remains silent for too long, when he seems to be less considering and more, well, panicking and winding himself tighter and tighter? Zevran speaks, voice a sudden, sharp, authoritative crack in the otherwise quiet room. "Cade."

[onlyhymns]

Cade gives a start as though Zevran just pinched him, and he looks at the elf again as if seeing him there for the first time. His blush hasn't gone down, and he's still visibly in considerable distress, but at long last he swallows dryly and nods.
His heart is thundering so hard he wonders if he's going to pass out, but fortunately, that isn't in the cards. Instead he just sits there, frozen and uncomfortable and afraid to speak.

[ombranera]

"Finish your next chapter of the book, return to your room and rest for an hour; then meet me here." The weight of his voice remained the same; a man laying out orders, not suggestions. It will take time to prepare the room appropriately, to gather the tools required for this and for what might come after. "Understood?"

[onlyhymns]

It would be difficult to Cade to look more surprised than he already does, but he manages it.
...today?? In an hour?
Even more hypotheticals are being made... less so, and he finds a great nervousness growing within him. But again, he nods. He glances down at his book, realizes there's no way he's going to be able to concentrate on it, and just closes it instead, removing the blanket to fold it over one arm as he prepares to slink out.
His face has gone from red to white.

[ombranera]

Zevran remains where he is, watching Cade make up his mind and make his way out. He makes no motion to leave until after Cade has left and had time enough to make some headway to his room. Then? He got to work. Hauling everything to this room took time, double checking the roof and doors so that he could be certain of soundproofing, he was half tempted to bring up a cot of some sort but that would likely leave Cade far too skittish for his own good.

A switch (as discussed) and a few other options laid out neatly off to one side, a brazier for warmth, a bag with restraints (if needed), a pair of chairs, a jar of salve- it is involved, this business, and likely not at all what Cade envisioned when he agreed. Yet Zevran sat once everything was arranged to his liking, left both doors unlocked- and waited.

[onlyhymns]

It's safe to say there is a profound lack of resting when Cade returns to his room, and he is so on-edge that he even snaps at the Tranquil who approaches to escort him. Of course, he immediately feels terrible and murmurs an apology (not that they care one way or the other), but it's not exactly setting the greatest tone for the rest of the night.

He spends the entire hour pacing and ruminating and cursing himself, on the one hand terrified of what might result from any of this, including but not limited to further ruination of his life and social connections, the deepening of his disgust with himself-- it's going pretty strong at the moment-- and, of course, the ever-present worry that he will end up right back where he started, silent and frightened and completely at the mercy of someone who's perfectly happy to use him for their own ends.

His mouth is dry and his palms sweaty when he arrives, exactly on time of course, and he isn't so presumptuous as to simply walk in. He knocks, and waits, and a big part of him hopes no one will answer.

[ombranera]

"Come in, have a seat." Zevran stands to lock the door opposite, waiting for Cade to slip inside before locking the door from whence he came. He doesn't look at him to start, speaking in his most soothing tone; as expected Cade is wound tight, skittish. "Before we do anything at all, this rule is one neither of us is to break. If you want this to stop, if you feel unsettled or uncomfortable, if the pain is too much to bear or you simply cannot stand to be in this room with me a moment longer- you say a word and this stops. No questions are asked, you are free to leave. It can be 'Stop' or it can be anything else you feel is appropriate. If you cannot think of anything? I can provide a word for you."

[onlyhymns]

Cade steps inside and does as he's instructed, and when he sits it becomes clear how badly both his knees and his hands are shaking. He nods to what Zevran says, his mind clearly racing, though he's paying attention as best he can. He glances at the far door, his chest tightening nervously, but he tries to shake it off. He can leave whenever he wants.
But he can't help but measure this feeling against his tired dismay at the vast, indefinite future of having no privacy and feeling like a misbehaving animal. Leaving would mean admitting that that's what he would prefer, and he's not sure he does.