"Love has many...varied expressions, that much I am aware of," if Empress Celene was any indication of how varied those expressions of love could be.
"I...see," Michel was fixated on the floor now, thinking about his positon, he'd done quite a lot to be close to Zevran, out of love for Zevran. The most drastic thing had been allowing the other man to mark him. Shouldn't that have meant something? He wasn't aware that he was idly scratching his chest through his shirt...why that spot? "That settles quite a bit, doesn't it?"
"I...do not know what you expect me to say, Michel." They had an unspoken agreement, that this was something they could enjoy without placing claims upon one another. That he came to him now after thinking that yes, perhaps he might want something more with someone, yes, he had as much a right to that depth of affection as anyone else-
The fates were fucking with him again, clearly. Fickle bitches.
"I'm not expecting you to say anything...you don't have to say anything, I'm in love with you and that compromises everything. I didn't want to say anything...but I had to and the volley of arrows have shattered the comfortable truce," it was a scenario of his own making, of course, he could have kept his silence and died a little more every day, but he wanted to know where he stood and now he did and the symbol on his chest ached a bit more for it.
"Stop saying that." Whatever he saw, whatever he thought? It couldn't be true. Time and patience has taught Zevran that Michel is not entirely like those that made a ruin of him in the past for the simple joy of doing so; but this?
This felt too much like a trick. Too much like something out of a fairy story to possibly be real. It couldn't be.
"Whatever it is you feel- it isn't that. It cant' be that. Chevalier do not love elves. Nobles do not love elves. We are enjoyed and set aside." Perhaps befriended, true, bu not loved.
"You...don't see me do you? You're looking at me, but...you don't see me," what he saw was exactly what everyone else saw when they looked at Michel. Michel's head was still bowed, he remembered the threat against his life, he knew what many of Zevran's friends thought of him and saw him. A Chevalier, a noble...he was the same as the ones that abused elves, hurt them, kept them as pets...Michel had a totem of his own regrets, but he couldn't look back at them. He could do nothing for them, but they followed him here, and that is what people saw, "it is that, this love, it is...what I am is not compatible with what you want from me."
"I see a man that presents such things as truth with all the faith of a revered mother. That you are more does not make what you present to be any less true." It could be an accusation- it could be damning or angry, that statement. Whatever softness and sweetness he found in Michel he guarded for his own selfish desires, this was true, but Michel himself did not parcel out such things.
But he could no more be perturbed by those that saw what he put forward than Zevran could of those that saw an Antivan Elven assassin and dismissed him offhand.
There were many things he could possibly judge Michel for. This? Was not one of them. "I see a man unaccustomed to intimacy such as we share, to even kindness, a man made wary by it."
"And yet, to claim any less would see me hung in Val Royeaux, what we present is not always what we choose. It is how we survive. I could undo it all, death does not frighten me, but if I claim other truths does that change who I am on the inside? That I am more than all of the identities I carry on my back, or that I am neither--Orlesian, human, elven, Shem, êtes mélange, enfant naturelle, half-breed, Chevalier, noble? It is a crossfire between the camps, isn't it...why should any specific identity matter over the others or color what's inside of me or what you really see? Unless there is tunnel vision for nothing else, then what more can I do?" He could not make Zevran un-see the noble, human, Orlesian, Chevalier, male parts about him, he'd only hoped that the assassin was able to look at him beyond that. It really did not matter, what others saw, or what they choose to see, when they look at him, only what Zevran saw.
In the same vein, while he did not dismiss Zevran's identities, he embraced them and saw more, and some things just mattered more than others.
"That I might be used, blackmailed, manipulated, or toyed with...all considerations that I had to take into mind when forming bonds with anyone who wasn't Cheritenne. It meant loving very few people, but it has also given me a heightened sense of what love is," as opposed to infatuation which meant one night stands and never sharing anything about himself with anyone. All of his secrets buried and Zevran had not revealed a single one that he was aware of.
"You cannot talk me into feeling anything in return." Zevran snapped. He'd been calm- cordial, even. Some might even call it kind how gently he was attempting to treat this. But the words, the reminders of the supposed power he held over Michel, the circling of identities-
'This is what I am, no one else will have me. No one else knows me like you do, no one else matters like you do'
Words, promises, grasping things to hook him in until he was tied down. At least with Michel it might be figurative rather than literal; Taliesin had never been much a man for figurative measures when the literal worked so much better.
Perhaps he did not see Michel truly at the moment, he saw broader shoulders and a sharper jaw, darker eyes that always seemed so kind, seemed so honest when time had proved the opposite over and over. "You love a mask."
"I love a man," Michel was very firm in that particular statement, he'd seen enough masks to last a lifetime, and perhaps more, he was well acquainted with them, "but you are right, I cannot make you feel anything for me that you do not feel. If you do not love me, even in some small measure, then that is fine...it is what I needed to be certain of, so that I know what I can and cannot survive."
Sharing a bed with Zevran was out of the question and being in his presence was the same, "we will never speak of it again and you have my word, I will never touch you again. That seems right, yes?"
Not that he could keep how wrong it felt from creeping into his voice, but honor had to be stronger than what he wanted.
"An act." At first. His usual masks hadn't lasted all that long outside of the bedroom. Why that was- his usual excuse of being honest and open did not hold up half so well in the face of all this. He felt something for Michel- affection, an appreciation, some manner of fondness, but that-
That was not love. Was it?
When did this become so thoroughly complicated? When did he loose control of the situation?
The hayloft. One kiss, one gasped accusation. At the time he'd known better, known this was building into a mess- and did not care. He should have. Better to end it then than be faced with the very thing he might have ached for not a day ago wrapped in the complication that was Michel de Chevin. "If that is what you wish, so be it."
Not talking about it would be marvelous. Not being touched- less so; but he had other lovers. The pool was dwindling rapidly due to their finding emotional fulfillment in a way he was becoming to envy- he pushed the thought aside. He had his lovers. He had his friends. He did not need...this.
"Toying..." somehow it stung worse hearing it said like that, an act had a different connotation from a mask, people who wore masks could still be authentic at least. Michel had to turn his gaze to the floor to make sure the stinging in his eyes wasn't any more than that. There was no point to such a display even though he knew he could scarcely help it.
"It's not what I wish," Michel said, clearing his voice as he did, "it is what I have to do for the both of us. Can you claim that you would want to hold me knowing how I feel about you? No more than I can stop these feelings, it will just get harder. I can spend years of my life chasing you for just a taste of it, but if you do not feel it...how much love would go to waste?"
Michel exhaled slowly, knowing that Zevran would not want for him with his dance card as full as it undoubtedly was. It was a source of jealousy, but there was nothing for it, "it doesn't mean you will never be able to reach me if you need to, the sending crystals...you can always contact me if you wish it."
That sounded final enough for him and with that he tucked the parcel under his arm again and offered Zevran a nod, not quite able to look at him, but doing his level best.
A mask he would not believe, bu an act? Perhaps he should have said that from the start- he was a terribly good actor when given cause in such things, and in this? He could be quite masterful. He'd needed to be to survive the Crows. To survive Taliesin. Apparently now, again, to survive Michel.
But did Michel require surviving?
There were too many variables, too many possibilities where things went wrong, where Michel became bored, where he was granted clemency-
There would be no future for them. Not with the world as it was. That- that wasn't an excuse. That simply was how the way the world worked, a reason to protect himself above all else. He hardened his heart against the damp of Michel's eyes, the catch in his throat. Last time he'd given one last kiss. Now? He could not possibly offer the same. Not with Michel's heart in his eyes.
"If all you expect is a taste, that is yours to have. But wanting me to feel the same- that cannot happen." Will not happen. But he would offer his flesh for that was easier to barter his body than it was his mind, his heart. "And should you wish for that- you know where to find me."
"I know..." Michel said almost bracingly, pinching the bridge of his nose with his unoccupied hand, "...and I cannot do that to you, I realize it is what I have already been doing to you, but I was fooling myself at the time. It was entertainment, it was pleasure, it is casual sex...and then I couldn't convince myself anymore...so I stifled it and I thought your body could be enough. I could sate my physical desires at the expense of my emotional needs...and then it just began to feel wrong, it felt like I was debasing you. Buying your body to satisfy what I wanted and then it hurt."
"If you think sharing my bed debases me, clearly you neither know me nor what it is to be debased." Offence made it easier to square his shoulders and remain unmoved at this display. Words, words, words and all of them hollow. Condescending. "If this is how you truly feel, perhaps I ought to write a bill for services rendered, yes? How should I break it down? One sovereign per orgasm? Most charge by the hour but I am certain I can find a price that is agreeable."
Michel's head snapped up and he looked at Zevran as though he'd just spit on his cheek, a difficult look to describe, shock, confusion, hurt, "that is not what I meant. There is a distinct difference between sharing your bed and sharing your bed with feelings such as these."
"And what difference would that be? Have your expectations changed? Do you want something I cannot give you?" This was not on him. He was not in the wrong; all he'd done was taken a lover. Michel had made it complicated.
"My expectations have changed, more for myself than for you, I didn't expect you to change...I did not expect anything...well this is not entirely true. I expected this on some level," not that he expected Zevran to drive the knife quite so deep, he did not expect him to turn the knife counter-clockwise either. He expected a no or a simpler rejection of his feelings and for it to be left at that, but this was even more unbearable.
"So long as you did not expect me to drop everything, swoon in your arms and confess the same." Zevran leaned back against the wall, arms crossed- and he had managed to ignore the thing in Michel's hands for quite some time now, but curiosity was getting the better of him. "What is that you've brought- a token of affection?"
"Is everything an ulterior motive? I only expected you to be honest and you've been quite honest," though it had gone from being a dialogue to being a defensive attack and that was not what Michel wanted. It was not the reason he'd come here after all, that and...Michel looked at his cargo, his arm had almost gone numb from it, but this entire conversation could explain this numbness, "it is...it is nothing."
"I am an assassin- there is almost always an ulterior motive- and you yourself are Orlesian. We have already discussed this." He waved the question off with a dismissive flick of his hand, eyes flitting from the package to Michel's face and back again. "If it was nothing you would not have brought it."
"And it suddenly matters to you when it didn't seem to matter before, that I am Orlesian. You were once so quick to defend me against people who threatened me for being Orlesian, for being a Chevalier, and for those who saw me as a traitor," it was certainly a question that deserved examining, especially since not long ago he said he would have a talk with one of his companions about this very thing, "you would not want it now, what does it matter?"
"It is easy not to care when time spent together means nothing. Now you come to me and say it had weight, it has meaning, with your heart in your hands." Everything became suspect in that light. How could it not? "Gifts among friends are not so strange. But this was to be more than that, yes? A token of affection. A declaration."
Michel was not one to weep openly, nor was he one to do so very often, but to say that the time that they spent together meant nothing when it had meant something to him? Well, it stung undeniably, not one to burst into hysteric, he felt it more than registered the dampness rolling down the side of his face, like one might with sweat. Was it numbness, or was the lack of acknowledgement just one more way for Michel to keep his dignity in check? Whatever it was it didn't stop the indignity from creeping it's way along his neck and face, this was a different kind of heat, the kind of heat you keep buried in your chest and he knew he had to leave this room before he was overwhelmed by it.
"I did not come here to fight with you...I..." Michel pinched the bridge of his nose again and shook his head trying to clear it. He wasn't even going to deign to acknowledge the package, there was enough humiliation to be had in this moment, why give Zevran something he'd crafted himself only to be told it was meant nothing in the same way their time spent together meant nothing, "...I should go, stay safe in Antiva."
He couldn't endure it another moment and while his feet felt like lead, he still willed them to move.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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Date: 2016-04-30 09:20 pm (UTC)"I...see," Michel was fixated on the floor now, thinking about his positon, he'd done quite a lot to be close to Zevran, out of love for Zevran. The most drastic thing had been allowing the other man to mark him. Shouldn't that have meant something? He wasn't aware that he was idly scratching his chest through his shirt...why that spot? "That settles quite a bit, doesn't it?"
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Date: 2016-04-30 09:46 pm (UTC)The fates were fucking with him again, clearly. Fickle bitches.
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Date: 2016-04-30 09:55 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2016-04-30 10:02 pm (UTC)This felt too much like a trick. Too much like something out of a fairy story to possibly be real. It couldn't be.
"Whatever it is you feel- it isn't that. It cant' be that. Chevalier do not love elves. Nobles do not love elves. We are enjoyed and set aside." Perhaps befriended, true, bu not loved.
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Date: 2016-04-30 10:15 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2016-04-30 10:34 pm (UTC)But he could no more be perturbed by those that saw what he put forward than Zevran could of those that saw an Antivan Elven assassin and dismissed him offhand.
There were many things he could possibly judge Michel for. This? Was not one of them. "I see a man unaccustomed to intimacy such as we share, to even kindness, a man made wary by it."
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Date: 2016-05-01 09:59 am (UTC)In the same vein, while he did not dismiss Zevran's identities, he embraced them and saw more, and some things just mattered more than others.
"That I might be used, blackmailed, manipulated, or toyed with...all considerations that I had to take into mind when forming bonds with anyone who wasn't Cheritenne. It meant loving very few people, but it has also given me a heightened sense of what love is," as opposed to infatuation which meant one night stands and never sharing anything about himself with anyone. All of his secrets buried and Zevran had not revealed a single one that he was aware of.
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Date: 2016-05-01 10:13 am (UTC)'This is what I am, no one else will have me. No one else knows me like you do, no one else matters like you do'
Words, promises, grasping things to hook him in until he was tied down. At least with Michel it might be figurative rather than literal; Taliesin had never been much a man for figurative measures when the literal worked so much better.
Perhaps he did not see Michel truly at the moment, he saw broader shoulders and a sharper jaw, darker eyes that always seemed so kind, seemed so honest when time had proved the opposite over and over. "You love a mask."
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Date: 2016-05-01 10:31 am (UTC)Sharing a bed with Zevran was out of the question and being in his presence was the same, "we will never speak of it again and you have my word, I will never touch you again. That seems right, yes?"
Not that he could keep how wrong it felt from creeping into his voice, but honor had to be stronger than what he wanted.
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Date: 2016-05-01 10:38 am (UTC)That was not love. Was it?
When did this become so thoroughly complicated? When did he loose control of the situation?
The hayloft. One kiss, one gasped accusation. At the time he'd known better, known this was building into a mess- and did not care. He should have. Better to end it then than be faced with the very thing he might have ached for not a day ago wrapped in the complication that was Michel de Chevin. "If that is what you wish, so be it."
Not talking about it would be marvelous. Not being touched- less so; but he had other lovers. The pool was dwindling rapidly due to their finding emotional fulfillment in a way he was becoming to envy- he pushed the thought aside. He had his lovers. He had his friends. He did not need...this.
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Date: 2016-05-01 09:40 pm (UTC)"It's not what I wish," Michel said, clearing his voice as he did, "it is what I have to do for the both of us. Can you claim that you would want to hold me knowing how I feel about you? No more than I can stop these feelings, it will just get harder. I can spend years of my life chasing you for just a taste of it, but if you do not feel it...how much love would go to waste?"
Michel exhaled slowly, knowing that Zevran would not want for him with his dance card as full as it undoubtedly was. It was a source of jealousy, but there was nothing for it, "it doesn't mean you will never be able to reach me if you need to, the sending crystals...you can always contact me if you wish it."
That sounded final enough for him and with that he tucked the parcel under his arm again and offered Zevran a nod, not quite able to look at him, but doing his level best.
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Date: 2016-05-01 10:28 pm (UTC)But did Michel require surviving?
There were too many variables, too many possibilities where things went wrong, where Michel became bored, where he was granted clemency-
There would be no future for them. Not with the world as it was. That- that wasn't an excuse. That simply was how the way the world worked, a reason to protect himself above all else. He hardened his heart against the damp of Michel's eyes, the catch in his throat. Last time he'd given one last kiss. Now? He could not possibly offer the same. Not with Michel's heart in his eyes.
"If all you expect is a taste, that is yours to have. But wanting me to feel the same- that cannot happen." Will not happen. But he would offer his flesh for that was easier to barter his body than it was his mind, his heart. "And should you wish for that- you know where to find me."
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Date: 2016-05-02 10:31 am (UTC)"I did not come here to fight with you...I..." Michel pinched the bridge of his nose again and shook his head trying to clear it. He wasn't even going to deign to acknowledge the package, there was enough humiliation to be had in this moment, why give Zevran something he'd crafted himself only to be told it was meant nothing in the same way their time spent together meant nothing, "...I should go, stay safe in Antiva."
He couldn't endure it another moment and while his feet felt like lead, he still willed them to move.