[ Silent even if he is still sleepy, Zevran drips from the shadows to settle in place, draping an arm around her shoulders without so much as saying a word. For a long moment he simply sits, cheek resting against Beleth's hair while he shakes himself awake. ]
Something is troubling you.
[ He peels himself off her long enough to slice himself a bit of bread and meat and cheese- a proper Fereldan midnight snack. ]
[ She starts, just slightly, when Zevran touches her, even though she heard him sit down, even though she was expecting him. That'll go away eventually, she tells herself, and moves on to the subject at hand, leaning against him. ]
I realized something. I keep talking about how after we finish all this Corypheus business we can go home. But--I don't want to finish this business. I mean, I don't want Corypheus to...be hurting people. I just want to stay like...this.
[ She makes a vague motion to Skyhold before her. ]
I want the Inquisition to keep being necessary. I want my presence here to keep being necessary.
[ He listens, quietly enjoying the food she's provided, weighing the words against his own sense of duty (ha) and individual desire for freedom. It is a familiar want; to be relevant, to do good works. But it is better still to recognize what it means under that.
For Zevran it had been simple enough- there had been no other choice.
For Beleth? ]
You do not wish to return to your Clan, is what you are saying.
[ She has to resist flinching, to hear it said out loud, so plainly. How many times has she given other Dalish a hard time for making such a decision? For wanting such a thing? It was wrong, a betrayal of the People, of her people. Of all the effort that she'd spent her life working for. ]
It doesn't make much sense, does it? I think that, considering everything that's happened, it would make more sense to want to go back. It's safer, I understand how it works, I'm not looked at as ignorant.
...But I don't want to go back.
[ Her fingers brush against her vallaslin, like she expects it to burn, or disappear, for voicing such a betrayal. ]
I mean--I will go. When everything is said and done. When Corypheus is defeated, or my mother gets tired of waiting, and sends for me, I'll go. Because that's my responsibility. Moreso than any responsibility I have to the Inquisition.
[ It is an easy enough thing to promise yourself, but it is not so. Perhaps he should not be half so blunt as this but- Beleth can take it. Even if she must have him point such things out to her in her own logic. ]
You say you will for now but when the time comes? You might return. You might do it as you are beholden. But you will come to resent it, miss either the freedom or the autonomy, and break away in time.
I resent a lot of things I have to do. I do it anyway. What I want has had very little impact on my life up until now.
[ She could do it, she tells herself. Not just the journey back, but the whole thing. For the rest of her life. She could bond to someone well suited to her, have his children, raise them, and live the unremarkable life that had been her path since she was born. She would do it with the knowledge that one unremarkable life was worth it, to push the Dalish that much further towards the future.
But Zevran's right. It's easier to tell herself that she could do it, but actually living that life? Could she do that every day, wake up and go to sleep, living in content misery? ]
And I mean. It's different for me. I still have my mother. I've disappointed her enough. She was worried about me coming to Skyhold, and if I stayed here, it'd just--It'd prove her worries right. It'd be selfish, and it'd be irresponsible.
I cannot speak on the subject of mothers- mine died giving birth to me; or so I am told. [ Easy, offhand, like it is nothing. And in the face of this? It is terribly little. ] But you are a woman grown, Beleth. A young one to be certain, but a woman none the less. It is not a question of proving her right or wrong, of what is right for the Dalish.
It is a question of what is right for you. What would you do with your life had you no obligations?
Most people I know don't have mothers, nor fathers. Pel is the exception, but she has only met them twice. They don't really count.
[ How could they understand, when most of them lost their parents before they had even reached puberty? How could they understand the feeling of not just feeling like their parents might be disappointed beyond the veil, but the very real and very unambiguous disappointment of parent actually there?
But she does not say this--there's no point, and it's rude, besides. Instead, she thinks on what Zevran says. If she had no obligations? It's hard to even imagine. ]
I don't...know. I don't know what I'd do. I mean--I want things. Creators, I want so many things. But the things I want...People I can't have, concepts that I don't understand, paths that I can't take. I don't know if they're right for me, or if I've just...idealized what I can't have. That it's easier to feel things for someone that I know I couldn't be with, so it doesn't matter if they return the feelings or not.
--Does that make sense? I--I've never talked about this with anyone else. It's hard to put a lot of it into words.
It makes perfect sense. And thus you are now where I was a decade ago.
[ he pats her shoulder gently, slicing off another bit of cheese for his bread. ]
I will say this much- it does not become easier, trying to choose what it is you will do for yourself. But provided you remember that you do this for yourself and you make these choices under your own power, rather than what might be for those you left behind or those you might meet? I will not say you cannot make a poor choice, for I have made many. But it is easier to live without regret when you act under your own power, without the weight of others dragging you one way or another.
[ Here a bit of affection, he turns enough to kiss her temple as he would a sibling. ]
Think of one, small thing you want. Not a person, not a concept, not a path. Something you can hold in your hand. When you have that- think of whether or not you could have that thing were you to return to your Clan.
[ She stares at her hands, as if literally trying to imagine something she could hold in them. It's alright to just think about it, right? That's why she asked to speak to Zevran. So that she could get the words and the thoughts out there. ]
I wouldn't be able to have those little cakes...The Orlesian ones, you know? I really like those. But I think, even if my clan were in Orlais, I wouldn't be able to get any.
...The arrows here. They're better than what we make in the clan. And there's more of them. I don't have to worry about using too many. Not that I try to use them rashly, but. It's nice to not have to count arrows and worry.
[ She keeps her eyes on her hands as she speaks, voice quiet. ]
The fabric here comes in a lot of different colors, and it's really soft. And there's the dress that Madame Vivienne gave me, and pretty jewelry. And there's plenty of leather to use, if I want.
...And there are jars of bees. Did you know about that? A girl told me about them. She threw one into Twisted Fate's room.
[ She snorts. Being a butthead to Twisted Fate? That's something that she couldn't do in the clan, either. ]
Ah, Sera. She is a delightful little scamp and I think I mean to keep her. Where, exactly, I mean to keep her but I do mean to mind her in the field so she does not get eaten by a dragon or something. I find myself fond.
[ It's hard to not, truly. And yes, jars of bees. Of all the hurled implements that? Is one of the best he's found in the Inquisition. ]
And now think of something a little larger than your hands. The View from the battlements, the work you do. The friends you have made here. Me, of course. I like you Beleth but I am not wandering about the woods and wilds to find you once a month to make certain you're not dead. I hate camping and that would involve a great deal of it.
She's certainly interesting. I'm glad that the two of you are getting along. If just to save you from waking up to bees in your bed.
[ She listens to Zevran, smiling softly by the end. Though she tells herself, if she left tomorrow, people might miss her now, but within a week? A month? By the end of the year, everyone will have moved on, as people do. She has not done anything to leave such a lasting impression. But...she would miss them. ]
I--I need to think about it, still. There's a lot to consider. But--Thank you. I think that you're right. I want to stay here. I don't want to go back.
[ But what she wants isn't enough, has never been enough. ]
But there's a lot to consider, if I stay here. My family, my life. It'd be like just...cutting myself completely off from my past.
I am not so certain of that. She seems to prank people she likes just as much, if not more.
[ So far he's been spared by dint of helping her with the Pranks and being wise to some of her tricks- but the rest? It will likely come back to bite him. He cannot say he minds the idea. It never really hurts, not when it's for fun. ]
You might write your family. You might visit them if they permit it. Your life- it is your own to choose. One way or another- and there is no right or wrong choice. There is only the choice you make. And after that? You learn to live with it.
[ She nods carefully, expression thoughtful. It's hers to choose. So if she chooses to give her life to the Dalish--that's her choice, too. But so is not. So is not abandoning the Dalish, but perhaps--Not going back to her clan. Like a Dalish ambassador, maybe. ]
Thank you, Zevran. I--I still need to think. But. I feel like...I can think about this a little better. I can think about it without feeling guilty for...maybe, not...wanting to go back. It makes it easier to try to figure out what I want, and not just doing what I have to.
[ She looks up at him, expression nervous. ]
Don't tell the others, please. I--I've given so many of them a hard time, I can't bare to think how they'll respond. I don't want to deal with it until I'm absolutely certain that I know what decision I'm going to make.
You have until we save the world. Then, I think, you should probably choose what it is you wish to do. But seeing as this will likely take some time- the Blight, after all, took a year and some to be ended in Fereldan and this is a larger, stranger conflict still- you have awhile. There is no rush.
[ He finishes the simple meal she brought for him, washing it down with a sip of something sweet and alcoholic from his flask before he passes it to her. Spiced mead. An excellent way to spend the night. ]
It is not mine to say and thus, not something I mean to share. Do not worry about what they would think, Beleth. Worry about yourself for a change. They are your family and they will either support you in this or make asses of themselves.
[ She accepts the flask with a grateful nod, taking a deep sip of it--pausing for a moment and shaking her head at the sudden rush of alcohol. Then she takes another, and passes it back to Zevran. ]
Thank you. And don't worry, I am thinking of myself. I have no desire to be lectured by them, even if I deserve it, after I took a turn making an ass of myself. I want to avoid it for as long as possible. That's not even getting into the lecture I'd get from my mother. Maybe I could just fake my own death.
Something really impressive. Saving an entire orphanage from a blight troll with nothing but my bow and arrow. While it was on fire. That would be pretty impressive.
Killed by an Antivan Crow. I could arrange something, if you like- though I think perhaps it is better that she knows you have chosen your own path. While she might not understand- she could learn to respect it. Or I can have pointed words with her later.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2016-04-14 02:18 am (UTC)Something is troubling you.
[ He peels himself off her long enough to slice himself a bit of bread and meat and cheese- a proper Fereldan midnight snack. ]
no subject
Date: 2016-04-14 08:55 am (UTC)I realized something. I keep talking about how after we finish all this Corypheus business we can go home. But--I don't want to finish this business. I mean, I don't want Corypheus to...be hurting people. I just want to stay like...this.
[ She makes a vague motion to Skyhold before her. ]
I want the Inquisition to keep being necessary. I want my presence here to keep being necessary.
no subject
Date: 2016-04-14 07:47 pm (UTC)For Zevran it had been simple enough- there had been no other choice.
For Beleth? ]
You do not wish to return to your Clan, is what you are saying.
[ Work from the root and branch outwards. ]
no subject
Date: 2016-04-14 10:23 pm (UTC)It doesn't make much sense, does it? I think that, considering everything that's happened, it would make more sense to want to go back. It's safer, I understand how it works, I'm not looked at as ignorant.
...But I don't want to go back.
[ Her fingers brush against her vallaslin, like she expects it to burn, or disappear, for voicing such a betrayal. ]
I mean--I will go. When everything is said and done. When Corypheus is defeated, or my mother gets tired of waiting, and sends for me, I'll go. Because that's my responsibility. Moreso than any responsibility I have to the Inquisition.
no subject
Date: 2016-04-14 11:42 pm (UTC)[ It is an easy enough thing to promise yourself, but it is not so. Perhaps he should not be half so blunt as this but- Beleth can take it. Even if she must have him point such things out to her in her own logic. ]
You say you will for now but when the time comes? You might return. You might do it as you are beholden. But you will come to resent it, miss either the freedom or the autonomy, and break away in time.
no subject
Date: 2016-04-15 01:00 am (UTC)[ She could do it, she tells herself. Not just the journey back, but the whole thing. For the rest of her life. She could bond to someone well suited to her, have his children, raise them, and live the unremarkable life that had been her path since she was born. She would do it with the knowledge that one unremarkable life was worth it, to push the Dalish that much further towards the future.
But Zevran's right. It's easier to tell herself that she could do it, but actually living that life? Could she do that every day, wake up and go to sleep, living in content misery? ]
And I mean. It's different for me. I still have my mother. I've disappointed her enough. She was worried about me coming to Skyhold, and if I stayed here, it'd just--It'd prove her worries right. It'd be selfish, and it'd be irresponsible.
no subject
Date: 2016-04-15 02:13 am (UTC)It is a question of what is right for you. What would you do with your life had you no obligations?
no subject
Date: 2016-04-15 03:40 am (UTC)[ How could they understand, when most of them lost their parents before they had even reached puberty? How could they understand the feeling of not just feeling like their parents might be disappointed beyond the veil, but the very real and very unambiguous disappointment of parent actually there?
But she does not say this--there's no point, and it's rude, besides. Instead, she thinks on what Zevran says. If she had no obligations? It's hard to even imagine. ]
I don't...know. I don't know what I'd do. I mean--I want things. Creators, I want so many things. But the things I want...People I can't have, concepts that I don't understand, paths that I can't take. I don't know if they're right for me, or if I've just...idealized what I can't have. That it's easier to feel things for someone that I know I couldn't be with, so it doesn't matter if they return the feelings or not.
--Does that make sense? I--I've never talked about this with anyone else. It's hard to put a lot of it into words.
no subject
Date: 2016-04-15 04:35 am (UTC)[ he pats her shoulder gently, slicing off another bit of cheese for his bread. ]
I will say this much- it does not become easier, trying to choose what it is you will do for yourself. But provided you remember that you do this for yourself and you make these choices under your own power, rather than what might be for those you left behind or those you might meet? I will not say you cannot make a poor choice, for I have made many. But it is easier to live without regret when you act under your own power, without the weight of others dragging you one way or another.
[ Here a bit of affection, he turns enough to kiss her temple as he would a sibling. ]
Think of one, small thing you want. Not a person, not a concept, not a path. Something you can hold in your hand. When you have that- think of whether or not you could have that thing were you to return to your Clan.
no subject
Date: 2016-04-15 06:43 am (UTC)I wouldn't be able to have those little cakes...The Orlesian ones, you know? I really like those. But I think, even if my clan were in Orlais, I wouldn't be able to get any.
no subject
Date: 2016-04-15 07:04 am (UTC)[ Sometimes it does not boil down to the large questions of duty and honor and obligation.
Sometimes it is something small and simple. Like cakes, or shoes, or the freedom to sleep where you like without question or being bothered. ]
no subject
Date: 2016-04-15 09:49 am (UTC)[ She keeps her eyes on her hands as she speaks, voice quiet. ]
The fabric here comes in a lot of different colors, and it's really soft. And there's the dress that Madame Vivienne gave me, and pretty jewelry. And there's plenty of leather to use, if I want.
...And there are jars of bees. Did you know about that? A girl told me about them. She threw one into Twisted Fate's room.
[ She snorts. Being a butthead to Twisted Fate? That's something that she couldn't do in the clan, either. ]
no subject
Date: 2016-04-15 07:58 pm (UTC)[ It's hard to not, truly. And yes, jars of bees. Of all the hurled implements that? Is one of the best he's found in the Inquisition. ]
And now think of something a little larger than your hands. The View from the battlements, the work you do. The friends you have made here. Me, of course. I like you Beleth but I am not wandering about the woods and wilds to find you once a month to make certain you're not dead. I hate camping and that would involve a great deal of it.
no subject
Date: 2016-04-18 12:23 am (UTC)[ She listens to Zevran, smiling softly by the end. Though she tells herself, if she left tomorrow, people might miss her now, but within a week? A month? By the end of the year, everyone will have moved on, as people do. She has not done anything to leave such a lasting impression. But...she would miss them. ]
I--I need to think about it, still. There's a lot to consider. But--Thank you. I think that you're right. I want to stay here. I don't want to go back.
[ But what she wants isn't enough, has never been enough. ]
But there's a lot to consider, if I stay here. My family, my life. It'd be like just...cutting myself completely off from my past.
no subject
Date: 2016-04-18 03:05 am (UTC)[ So far he's been spared by dint of helping her with the Pranks and being wise to some of her tricks- but the rest? It will likely come back to bite him. He cannot say he minds the idea. It never really hurts, not when it's for fun. ]
You might write your family. You might visit them if they permit it. Your life- it is your own to choose. One way or another- and there is no right or wrong choice. There is only the choice you make. And after that? You learn to live with it.
no subject
Date: 2016-04-25 12:03 am (UTC)Thank you, Zevran. I--I still need to think. But. I feel like...I can think about this a little better. I can think about it without feeling guilty for...maybe, not...wanting to go back. It makes it easier to try to figure out what I want, and not just doing what I have to.
[ She looks up at him, expression nervous. ]
Don't tell the others, please. I--I've given so many of them a hard time, I can't bare to think how they'll respond. I don't want to deal with it until I'm absolutely certain that I know what decision I'm going to make.
no subject
Date: 2016-04-25 09:12 am (UTC)[ He finishes the simple meal she brought for him, washing it down with a sip of something sweet and alcoholic from his flask before he passes it to her. Spiced mead. An excellent way to spend the night. ]
It is not mine to say and thus, not something I mean to share. Do not worry about what they would think, Beleth. Worry about yourself for a change. They are your family and they will either support you in this or make asses of themselves.
no subject
Date: 2016-04-28 04:36 am (UTC)Thank you. And don't worry, I am thinking of myself. I have no desire to be lectured by them, even if I deserve it, after I took a turn making an ass of myself. I want to avoid it for as long as possible. That's not even getting into the lecture I'd get from my mother. Maybe I could just fake my own death.
Something really impressive. Saving an entire orphanage from a blight troll with nothing but my bow and arrow. While it was on fire. That would be pretty impressive.
no subject
Date: 2016-04-30 04:54 am (UTC)