I've some chilled rags with mint and elfroot that he gnaws upon, but that lasts only so long before they no longer soothe or he becomes terribly bored by them and he instead demands my fingers or hair. He chews on my hair. I allow this. If ever I thought I would come to a point that I would not recognize myself, this is it.
Yesterday he found the only patch of mud in the garden that is less like mud and more like clay. For less than a moment I had my eye off of him and then he was covered head to toe in this muck. At least he enjoys bathtime.
Kieran had rattles, they are simple enough to fashion. As well as things I was able to hang above him that would move with the breeze or a gentle tug of a string, bright colours and simple shapes. I spoke to him constantly to point out each and every thing that was around us, even to hand him leaves and seeds if I knew them to be safe, using my hands to run his across them, over his face, his feet, his back, his belly.
I did lose many feathers. Twas a sacrifice I made willingly.
You tell me this as if Alistair does not return Kieran to my company with both of them in a similar state. Kieran fortunately only requires someone to make sure he cleans behind his ears at this age, though I am sure Alistair still requires more than that.
Leliana actually provided a brightly colored and belled mobile for him. It hangs over our bed and it is a source of frequent delight for Lucci and has become one of the simplest ways to nip a potential fussing fit in the bud- or keep him still long enough for changing.
...There are times when I truly believe he was raised by mabari. I suspect one day we shall happen upon the four of them rolling about in the mud, covered save for their eyes.
I am unsurprised, she procured chocolate spiders and wooden soldiers for Kieran, as well as a sending crystal for when he and I are parted for long periods. And speaking of the lad again, he at least has the sense to know better than to allow me to catch him in the act.
I wonder, and you may pretend if you wish that part of this letter does not reach you, that little hands chew upon it or smear it, I will understand: how are you faring? I at least was prepared. I made a choice. I had nine long months of Kieran growing beneath my heart and all the time after to become accustomed to it.
True, she is quite doting despite her self claimed distance from sentiment- and your boy is quite clever indeed. I am proud to say I have taught him nothing of the sort and he manages all of it on his own.
I...am still keeping in mind the option to perhaps find him a better home elsewhere. Skyhold is no place to raise an infant and I am far from suited to being a father. I manage from day to day but this is not how I thought I would be spending this portion of my life. Though that is mostly because I thought I would be dead by now. Everyone says 'you shall become accustomed to it, you shall come to love him dearly' and while I take care of Lucci and mind him and feel some small twist of sentiment-
I do not feel love when I look at him, Morrigan. I feel fear. Children are so very easily injured, so very easily killed. How am I to protect him from all this?
I am sure there is plenty you will teach him and deny all knowledge of, as Alistair tries and fails not to giggle in a corner like an overgrown child in a corner with Doghren.
There was no other that could have raised Kieran, for reasons you well know, and there are many who would think me ill-suited to motherhood. There were times when I curled beside Kieran as a wolf when all was cold and twas the best way to keep him warm, for is a wolf not a mother too? There were times when I would carry him bundled to my back as a spider when there was no other safe way to go, for is a spider not a mother too? I hid him much as a deer or halla will hide her young in the tall grass but there were no other eyes there that would watch him when my back was turned in Orlais and the world was full of lions and vipers and worse. You have many in Skyhold. Tis a trite phrase to say it takes a village but I believe that for most, such a thing is true. You are not alone in this.
I did not feel love at first. That came later, much later. He was part of a plan. A step along the way. But they are far more robust than you might realise. I will not tell you not to fear for I am not that cruel, and I am no hypocrite when there are times it might well choke me but you are never alone in this. You protect by realising you are many things, but not what raised you. That is the hardest step, but it must be the first.
I will ruin him. Be it what I do or who I am- it will not be sufficient to bring him up as someone that is happy or healthy. I can try to spare him pain and shadow and blood as I knew in my youth and I will still-
I can barely manage myself and Alistair. Let alone myself, Alistair, and the dog. Now a child? How am I to teach him 'yes this is well and good and the right thing' when more often than not I have no true inkling as to what that might be? How do I raise him to be discerning and careful beyond 'this will get you killed, this will get you killed slowly'?
There is not a day that goes by where I do not look at Kieran and wonder at what I have done. If the love I feel for him, if knowing that I would do whatever I must to keep him safe from harm will ever make up for what I have done before he ever had a say in it. If preparing him for this world and being aware of the shadow I cast, of Flemeth, makes up for any of it. As I have no doubt said before, I have done as best I can to make sure my life does not affect his.
You will manage Zevran because you are strong. You have come through the fire and no, you have not come through it unscarred but have any of us? Does Alistair not bear the marks of his upbringing in the way he behaves? Is Leliana not scarred outside and in by her life? I know myself what my mother made me and that this has not been an easy journey. It has been painful. I have stumbled, I am sure you can imagine that I have not enjoyed not knowing all, that my missteps have causing me pain and grief. I am always afraid of Flemeth coming for him, or now I am afraid of what might be discovered of him here in Skyhold with so many Wardens when there are so many striking similarities that I am sure could be found, just as you must fear the retribution of Crows, or those who despise elves, those with any sort of vendetta who would not hesitate to harm an infant.
I am sure that when he sleeps you lie awake wondering at the possibilities.
Yet you do yourself too little credit. You raise him to have the same passions for finding the good you did in any of us that you did ten years ago - even with me did you try, and I can admit that I was unpleasant. You fought the Fifth Blight and not once did you seek to betray the Wardens when ample opportunity likely reared its head. You teach lessons as they arise. It comes with time - he is not even a year yet, he is only discovering the world about him. Read to him. Show him things. Introduce him to those close to you. You do have friends, friends who rescued you and would do so again, many and more who went to Antiva. My door is always open, my crystal will be answered no matter the hour Zevran. Do not make a rash decision. I am a better person for Kieran, I am many things but he is my son, and I am a better person for having him.
[ Is his voice thick? Is he touched by the sincerity and support in her letters? Perhaps he is. But some things are best spoken, especially this sudden swell of bone deep gratitude to a woman he would barely have called a friend ten years ago. Oh there'd been respect and suspicion in equal measure both ways and perhaps some fondness, but they had not truly been friends.
She'd gone her way, he'd gone his.
Perhaps it is what they lived through that made him wish for closeness. Perhaps it is the boy she raises or the gentling of her life. Zevran cannot say but she has offered him a lifeline in the midst of an unexpected storm-
[Part of her is waiting for the message when it comes. She is not so foolish as to think that Zevran can go through all aspects of his life behind the mask he wore when first they met - she's seen proof enough of that even before they met again en route to Skyhold - but the confirmation in the letters is...
Painful, she supposes. That is the only word for it. That again she seems to be one who has somehow assembled the fragments of her life into something less jagged, that she has made a vow to herself and to her son, to be better and to be more isn't something she knows what to do with but that's for another day. She knows how to be in his shoes for once.
She can help. For once she knows that she can help.]
Of course I meant it, I would not have said otherwise. I went to Orlais but I am not Orlesian. [An attempt at a joke, the only one she will tell.] Not at all, I am free - what do you wish to speak of?
[What troubles you, she means, but she will be gentle.]
[ It is a thin attempt at humor that earns its own twist of laughter all the same, soft and crackling and weary. ] What did you do when he became overwhelming? Not just...the screaming and the teething but. Needing you at all hours. Needing to be held or spoken to or just-
Needing. I have never been needed like this before, Morrigan.
I was lonely. [Had she made that admission to Zevran or had it been around others? No matter, it was the truth and she'd said it then whether or not it had been believed at the time.
Yet that isn't an answer itself and she shifts, garments rustling, a quiet murmur from Kieran when she moves.]
Even so, sometimes I would set him down and allow him to scream. Sometimes that is all you can do - are there not times when you have wished to do the same? I wished to scream back at him too. Demanding to know what was wrong, what he wanted, why he would not stop. [This time it is her voice that catches in her throat, as if a hand has come to throttle her from within.] There is no shame in struggling. It will do him no harm to be set down for a time when you take time to collect yourself and breathe - Kieran has turned out well enough, has he not? You have many friends here to help, even for as long as it might take to take some air, to run a short errand. If you wish for them not to know then you are fortunate that I am able to change my shape.
Elves and assassins are not often encouraged to be loud. [ Something he is trying to squash in himself, his habitual shushing of his son's laughter, of his son's tears. Here there is no reason to fear and part of giving him a better life is a delicate balance between teaching him to hide at an early age- and teaching him to be careful.
It is exhausting. ]
So it is less 'scream back' and more 'cry along with'. Mia has found me as such more than once these past few weeks. [ Admitting it should not feel like such a weakness, like baring his throat for the blade. It is Morrigan. She means to help. She is- she has become family, after a fashion. ] Seeing you would be good for him, I think. He misses his mother and you bear a very, and I do mean distant, resemblance to Serena.
I saw much of that in Orlais. I encouraged Kieran to play with the children of the servants rather than the children of the nobility, so more of his playmates were elven children. There is an age where they are innocent of differences. [It worked well for Kieran too since he was an odd boy at times, but he had far more in common with little common humans and all the elven boys and girls than he ever did with Orlesian children with titles to their names no matter what came attached to her, or what they thought of him within the court.]
I-- I would be glad to see him. And to see you. [She does not say she is honoured to be trusted because that doesn't need to be said, not with someone who now understands why she turned and bared her teeth, snapping and snarling as she did.] You will hurt when he hurts, I will tell you that now. Sometimes you will lose all sense in your head. They rob you of it. They are always worth it. If I can bring your son some comfort then I am glad to do so, I am sure that will set you at ease as well.
Tomorrow, I think. Tonight we are trying and failing to sleep but- in the morning? I could bring him to meet you and Keiran. They are-
[ Putting words to this is difficult for both of them, but of the two? He has ever been more willing. Words are one thing. Action is another- and Morrigan has ever fared best when it comes to action. ]
They are family after all. It would not do for Lucci not to know his Cousin.
Perhaps the gardens? A little air might do you both some good. Kieran enjoyed the outdoors greatly.
[Not that Kieran had much of a choice but to enjoy them and grow to love them but she did as much as she could so he didn't ever feel trapped within them, lonely the way she was.]
I am sure he will be glad to regale his cousin with tales until they are both quite exhausted. For now? Rest well. Both of you.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
I've some chilled rags with mint and elfroot that he gnaws upon, but that lasts only so long before they no longer soothe or he becomes terribly bored by them and he instead demands my fingers or hair. He chews on my hair. I allow this. If ever I thought I would come to a point that I would not recognize myself, this is it.
Yesterday he found the only patch of mud in the garden that is less like mud and more like clay. For less than a moment I had my eye off of him and then he was covered head to toe in this muck. At least he enjoys bathtime.
-Zevran
no subject
Zevran,
Kieran had rattles, they are simple enough to fashion. As well as things I was able to hang above him that would move with the breeze or a gentle tug of a string, bright colours and simple shapes. I spoke to him constantly to point out each and every thing that was around us, even to hand him leaves and seeds if I knew them to be safe, using my hands to run his across them, over his face, his feet, his back, his belly.
I did lose many feathers. Twas a sacrifice I made willingly.
You tell me this as if Alistair does not return Kieran to my company with both of them in a similar state. Kieran fortunately only requires someone to make sure he cleans behind his ears at this age, though I am sure Alistair still requires more than that.
Morrigan
no subject
Leliana actually provided a brightly colored and belled mobile for him. It hangs over our bed and it is a source of frequent delight for Lucci and has become one of the simplest ways to nip a potential fussing fit in the bud- or keep him still long enough for changing.
...There are times when I truly believe he was raised by mabari. I suspect one day we shall happen upon the four of them rolling about in the mud, covered save for their eyes.
Zevran
no subject
Zevran,
I am unsurprised, she procured chocolate spiders and wooden soldiers for Kieran, as well as a sending crystal for when he and I are parted for long periods. And speaking of the lad again, he at least has the sense to know better than to allow me to catch him in the act.
I wonder, and you may pretend if you wish that part of this letter does not reach you, that little hands chew upon it or smear it, I will understand: how are you faring? I at least was prepared. I made a choice. I had nine long months of Kieran growing beneath my heart and all the time after to become accustomed to it.
Morrigan
no subject
True, she is quite doting despite her self claimed distance from sentiment- and your boy is quite clever indeed. I am proud to say I have taught him nothing of the sort and he manages all of it on his own.
I...am still keeping in mind the option to perhaps find him a better home elsewhere. Skyhold is no place to raise an infant and I am far from suited to being a father. I manage from day to day but this is not how I thought I would be spending this portion of my life. Though that is mostly because I thought I would be dead by now. Everyone says 'you shall become accustomed to it, you shall come to love him dearly' and while I take care of Lucci and mind him and feel some small twist of sentiment-
I do not feel love when I look at him, Morrigan. I feel fear. Children are so very easily injured, so very easily killed. How am I to protect him from all this?
-Zevran
no subject
I am sure there is plenty you will teach him and deny all knowledge of, as Alistair tries and fails not to giggle in a corner like an overgrown child in a corner with Doghren.
There was no other that could have raised Kieran, for reasons you well know, and there are many who would think me ill-suited to motherhood. There were times when I curled beside Kieran as a wolf when all was cold and twas the best way to keep him warm, for is a wolf not a mother too? There were times when I would carry him bundled to my back as a spider when there was no other safe way to go, for is a spider not a mother too? I hid him much as a deer or halla will hide her young in the tall grass but there were no other eyes there that would watch him when my back was turned in Orlais and the world was full of lions and vipers and worse. You have many in Skyhold. Tis a trite phrase to say it takes a village but I believe that for most, such a thing is true. You are not alone in this.
I did not feel love at first. That came later, much later. He was part of a plan. A step along the way. But they are far more robust than you might realise. I will not tell you not to fear for I am not that cruel, and I am no hypocrite when there are times it might well choke me but you are never alone in this. You protect by realising you are many things, but not what raised you. That is the hardest step, but it must be the first.
Morrigan
no subject
I will ruin him. Be it what I do or who I am- it will not be sufficient to bring him up as someone that is happy or healthy. I can try to spare him pain and shadow and blood as I knew in my youth and I will still-
I can barely manage myself and Alistair. Let alone myself, Alistair, and the dog. Now a child? How am I to teach him 'yes this is well and good and the right thing' when more often than not I have no true inkling as to what that might be? How do I raise him to be discerning and careful beyond 'this will get you killed, this will get you killed slowly'?
Zevran
no subject
There is not a day that goes by where I do not look at Kieran and wonder at what I have done. If the love I feel for him, if knowing that I would do whatever I must to keep him safe from harm will ever make up for what I have done before he ever had a say in it. If preparing him for this world and being aware of the shadow I cast, of Flemeth, makes up for any of it. As I have no doubt said before, I have done as best I can to make sure my life does not affect his.
You will manage Zevran because you are strong. You have come through the fire and no, you have not come through it unscarred but have any of us? Does Alistair not bear the marks of his upbringing in the way he behaves? Is Leliana not scarred outside and in by her life? I know myself what my mother made me and that this has not been an easy journey. It has been painful. I have stumbled, I am sure you can imagine that I have not enjoyed not knowing all, that my missteps have causing me pain and grief. I am always afraid of Flemeth coming for him, or now I am afraid of what might be discovered of him here in Skyhold with so many Wardens when there are so many striking similarities that I am sure could be found, just as you must fear the retribution of Crows, or those who despise elves, those with any sort of vendetta who would not hesitate to harm an infant.
I am sure that when he sleeps you lie awake wondering at the possibilities.
Yet you do yourself too little credit. You raise him to have the same passions for finding the good you did in any of us that you did ten years ago - even with me did you try, and I can admit that I was unpleasant. You fought the Fifth Blight and not once did you seek to betray the Wardens when ample opportunity likely reared its head. You teach lessons as they arise. It comes with time - he is not even a year yet, he is only discovering the world about him. Read to him. Show him things. Introduce him to those close to you. You do have friends, friends who rescued you and would do so again, many and more who went to Antiva. My door is always open, my crystal will be answered no matter the hour Zevran. Do not make a rash decision. I am a better person for Kieran, I am many things but he is my son, and I am a better person for having him.
Morrigan
Crystal
[ Is his voice thick? Is he touched by the sincerity and support in her letters? Perhaps he is. But some things are best spoken, especially this sudden swell of bone deep gratitude to a woman he would barely have called a friend ten years ago. Oh there'd been respect and suspicion in equal measure both ways and perhaps some fondness, but they had not truly been friends.
She'd gone her way, he'd gone his.
Perhaps it is what they lived through that made him wish for closeness. Perhaps it is the boy she raises or the gentling of her life. Zevran cannot say but she has offered him a lifeline in the midst of an unexpected storm-
and he means to cling to it. ]
Or am I calling at a bad time?
no subject
Painful, she supposes. That is the only word for it. That again she seems to be one who has somehow assembled the fragments of her life into something less jagged, that she has made a vow to herself and to her son, to be better and to be more isn't something she knows what to do with but that's for another day. She knows how to be in his shoes for once.
She can help. For once she knows that she can help.]
Of course I meant it, I would not have said otherwise. I went to Orlais but I am not Orlesian. [An attempt at a joke, the only one she will tell.] Not at all, I am free - what do you wish to speak of?
[What troubles you, she means, but she will be gentle.]
no subject
Needing. I have never been needed like this before, Morrigan.
no subject
Yet that isn't an answer itself and she shifts, garments rustling, a quiet murmur from Kieran when she moves.]
Even so, sometimes I would set him down and allow him to scream. Sometimes that is all you can do - are there not times when you have wished to do the same? I wished to scream back at him too. Demanding to know what was wrong, what he wanted, why he would not stop. [This time it is her voice that catches in her throat, as if a hand has come to throttle her from within.] There is no shame in struggling. It will do him no harm to be set down for a time when you take time to collect yourself and breathe - Kieran has turned out well enough, has he not? You have many friends here to help, even for as long as it might take to take some air, to run a short errand. If you wish for them not to know then you are fortunate that I am able to change my shape.
no subject
It is exhausting. ]
So it is less 'scream back' and more 'cry along with'. Mia has found me as such more than once these past few weeks. [ Admitting it should not feel like such a weakness, like baring his throat for the blade. It is Morrigan. She means to help. She is- she has become family, after a fashion. ] Seeing you would be good for him, I think. He misses his mother and you bear a very, and I do mean distant, resemblance to Serena.
no subject
I-- I would be glad to see him. And to see you. [She does not say she is honoured to be trusted because that doesn't need to be said, not with someone who now understands why she turned and bared her teeth, snapping and snarling as she did.] You will hurt when he hurts, I will tell you that now. Sometimes you will lose all sense in your head. They rob you of it. They are always worth it. If I can bring your son some comfort then I am glad to do so, I am sure that will set you at ease as well.
no subject
[ Putting words to this is difficult for both of them, but of the two? He has ever been more willing. Words are one thing. Action is another- and Morrigan has ever fared best when it comes to action. ]
They are family after all. It would not do for Lucci not to know his Cousin.
no subject
[Not that Kieran had much of a choice but to enjoy them and grow to love them but she did as much as she could so he didn't ever feel trapped within them, lonely the way she was.]
I am sure he will be glad to regale his cousin with tales until they are both quite exhausted. For now? Rest well. Both of you.
no subject
[ Family. He has not thought about it so much as been surprised by it repeatedly since his arrival in Skyhold.
But he will not give it up so easily. ]