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[ombranera]

I will write back as soon as possible.

Regards, Zevran

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[ombranera]

Food and drink, with the cooks we might even manage to bake up a proper cake. With chocolate. If I have to call in favors to see this thing done, I shall do so. What is a celebration like this without cakes?

[ Or tarts or torts but- he is content to consider the meal, the dancing that will come. Not a wedding, but a celebration. ]

oh my heart

[ombranera]

Yes?

[ He's dreaming. He's had this dream a few times- Alistair on the crystals, him able to hear him, to understand. One last conversation. ]

[onlyhymns]

Cade shakes his head, lifting it to reveal that he doesn't look quite so dismal as before; instead he looks... still strained, but almost amused. Desperate, worn down.
"No," he says quietly, and now offers Zevran a glance, if only to see what his expression is before he continues. "...not just him."
He rubs the back of his neck, pushing up the curls that rest against it. "If I were to walk off the battlements, few would notice, and fewer would have a problem with it." He lowers his hand again, raising his eyes to Zevran's. "Am I wrong?"

[ombranera]

"Perhaps whoever has to clean your corpse off the stones the next morning." He himself could not say 'do not do this thing' when it is a thing he himself considered not terribly long ago. It is a rather final gesture but- a man's life is his own. Or. At the very least it ought to be.

"Beleth, perhaps, might be upset. Alistair would find reason to be upset, or smug, or...find a way to make it his fault. Or your fault. For someone that says he is so simple he can be annoyingly complicated. Nerva would notice. The templars would likely take offense to the fact that you have done so, they are terribly good at that." He does not list himself as- well. He is uncertain if he wants his opinion to be the thing that keeps or pushes Cade over that ledge.

[onlyhymns]

Not if he fell into the chasm outside of Skyhold, all mountains and sharp rocks and snow. No one would find him there, no one would even look for him.

Beleth, hah. Alistair, even moreso. Nerva perhaps, and it's almost amusing to imagine that he could disappoint the Templars even in removing himself entirely from their jurisdiction.
It's... heavy. He's thought about it countless times, and yet only now ever spoken about it.

"It's stupid," he admits, in a near-whisper, with a half-laugh. "I don't know why I don't." His arms fold up and around him as he curls his body forward slightly. "...it scares me." For someone as tormented and miserable as he is for every waking moment, he finds it almost laughable that he's still too cowardly to just do the thing.

[ombranera]

"It is my understanding that people tend to want to keep living if given a choice." It is a solid rule with few exceptions. Being one himself...he does not like to think of it. Today is a brighter day rather than a darker one. Taking that step off into nothing holds no true appeal at the moment.

He has no desire to disappear.

"Death is frightening. Pain all the more so. What if you don't die? What if you lay there, broken and bloodied for hours, days?" Unlikely, but stranger things have happened. "Perhaps you feel there is something yet left to be done- I cannot believe I just said that. No. Fear is what keeps you from doing it. And I suppose that fear is a good thing."

Fear of his own death had been beaten out of him ages ago. "For this you are speaking to the wrong person, I think."

[onlyhymns]

Cade nods, and then immediately shakes his head, briefly cupping his face in his hands. He curls his fingers, takes a deep breath, then lowers them again. "I thought I'd rather die than stop being a Templar," he says, "...but instead I'm just... stuck somewhere in between both." He hugs himself again, glances at Zevran, and is suddenly struck by how pathetic he sounds.
"I'm sorry," he says quietly, "I... this isn't what we were talking about."

[ombranera]

"Why?" Ah, yes Zevran. Use the same tactic that worked so well when Wynne turned it upon you a decade ago. What could possibly go wrong?

Still the question is set and in for a copper, in for a sovereign. "Why is it so vital to you that you be a Templar? Is it a matter of faith or needing to be of use in some way?"

Things he truly cannot wrap his mind about. Faith is a thing for other people, a salt for their diet. For Zevran it is like...tarragon. Excellent when he has need of it, but most often? He can do well enough without.

[byblow]

Hey, [ Alistair says—a pleased, exhaled greeting. His tone is hushed. Someone nearby is asleep, maybe, or he's trying not to draw the attention of any wildlife in the desert. ] Did you hear already?

[onlyhymns]

Through all his trials at Skyhold, the one thing about Cade that has never wavered is his faith. Or at least... his determination to try to uphold the tenets of his faith as dictated by the Chantry. Even while screwing up unimaginably. Even while destroying himself.

His eyes actually tear up a little when he looks back at Zevran, his eyelids red and the rest of him tense with the sort of misery that starts to build slowly when he's left with his thoughts for too long. "...I've never been anything else," he says quietly, his voice quavering, "I don't... if I... if I'm not this, I'm nothing." He might be nothing anyway.

[ombranera]

That you are not coming back because you are actually dead? We covered that the last time I had this dream. Please can we-

[ Voice thick, wavering, he swallows past the knot in his throat. ]

Can we skip that and get to the point when you ask about nug feet or constellations or birthdays? Please?

[ombranera]

Oh. Shit. Tears. He has never been terribly good with tears- the usual means he can think of to mitigate them involve physical contact which Cade does not want, not truly, and thus he is forced to remain in his chair and wonder where exactly he lost track of this conversation.

Perhaps he ought to have kept his mouth shut about Alistair.

"It can be...a terrifying thing. Trying to find a new purpose...to untangle your life from that which you once knew and- that...is not at all what you need to hear is it? You like being a Templar. You like this life." Such as it is.

[onlyhymns]

With every assertion Zevran makes, Cade becomes less and less convinced of his own dedication. When the elf has finished speaking, he finally just shakes his head, covering his eyes with one hand.
"No," he says in a quiet, shaking voice, "I hate this life. I hate everything it's ever been." Somehow simultaneously exhausted and right on the very edge of his nerves, he glances around the room. "My one job is to do the Maker's work, and I can't do it, not the right way. I ruin everything I touch." He gives a light, mirthless laugh, then abruptly calms himself again, looking apologetically at Zevran.
"I should go," he says weakly, and gets to his feet, "you didn't ask for this."

[ombranera]

And now he is no longer out of his depth, he is in over his head. The bottom of the river looks very nice, very comfortable. He should become accustomed to it for it seems there is no finding his way back to the surface with Cade.

"A question, then, before you go." Because this is- Cade is a mess, this he knows. Perhaps a greater mess than he can ever untangle but that will not stop him from trying. But this is more than he expected. More than, perhaps, Nerva understood. "What is it that you want?"

[byblow]

Satinalis is really clear out here—?

[ Puzzled. It takes him a moment to realize his attempt at contact might have succeeded, and another moment to quiet his concerns that Zevran's hold on reality might be slipping again. ]

I'm fine, Zev. We were lost for a bit. [ He's still shaken, so: making light. ] I tried to reach you.

[onlyhymns]

If one has never seen the surface, can one be certain it even exists?
Cade pauses with a hand still on his chair, looking at the ground as he considers Zevran's question. It's something he's thought about before, and never had a clear answer to, but he's so wound up right now that perhaps there's clarity to be found.
"...to... be liked," he lamely says, realizing even as the words exit his mouth how pathetic he sounds. "...by anyone." He looks at Zevran with a distant, sad almost-smile. He may be paranoid, but is also perceptive, and he's not so presumptuous as to think he and Zevran are anything but associates brought together by mutual benefit. Or at least, this is what he tells himself to keep from trusting him too much.

[ombranera]

...This is not a dream?

[ Rustling, then, as he untangles himself from his bed, from Lucci and Doghren and everything that kept him from drinking far too much these past few days. Leliana had gone silent as well. He knew better than to hope. ]

You- I heard. I heard and it sound as though-

[ombranera]

"Ah." He brightens at that. This? This is something he can do! This is something he can teach, if Cade is willing to learn. Whether or not it will work to help him form real, lasting relationships...

Zevran frankly does not care. But something to make the problem less? All the better.

"That is easy enough. And- also- solved by talking to Alistair. If all you need is someone, anyone to like you? He is your man. He would like most anyone. He likes me, and I tried to kill him."

[byblow]

Zevran. Talking to me is always a dream.

[ Over-the-top bragging married to self-deprecating sarcasm. Could a Fade spirit hit that tone correctly? Surely not. ]

There were a lot of demons. I'm sorry. I didn't think you could hear me, or I would have tried again. How long has it been?

[ombranera]

Not now.

[ But he's laughing softly, hand pressed to his mouth. Yes, now, because it is Alistair. It is truly him, this is no dream, and his brother is not dead.

Thank the Maker. ]

I thought I heard you die. [ Nothing you could have done, he'd said. ] A few days. How long until you are home?

[byblow]

Not long. There are things—something is happening in the Anderfels. Some cleaning up here.

[ He feels like an arse now, leaving Zevran believing that for so long. It felt shorter. Or longer. Or—

Whatever. ]

If it makes up for anything, we stopped the Calling.

[ombranera]

Then come home. I've-

[ No, no, this is something to be told in person. ]

I have missed you, Cucciolo.

[byblow]

[ If he hadn't just caused Zevran a few days of distress, Alistair might have given him a slightly hard time, have you now, maybe you shouldn't be so busy then, that sort of thing. But he has, so he doesn't. ]

I've missed you, too. Did you take care of your—thing?

[ Business. Whatever kept him in Skyhold. ]

[ombranera]

I have.

[ He's made up his mind. He has a crib that concussed a bronto, a mobile given to him by Leliana, cold compresses frosted over with ice runes from Pel- He has made Luci's life better. He hopes. ]

You'll like the result, I think. You will see when you are back.

Crystal, around when they get back to Skyhold

[justice_is_blond]

I'd like to hire you for something, when you've time.

[He might sound a little amused. He might be being vague on purpose, just because it's a little amusing.]

The good news is that you'd not even have to find someone to help watch the dog, because the task is here.

[And by dog he means the dog and the baby, but he's being careful.]